Windows
by WhisperedTruths
Summary: In response to the boogeyman scare: “well maybe it’s me trying to sneak into your bedroom to eat you all up. Mmmm, Spencer you taste so good.”
1. Sibling Love

Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere. Never will. I own only the words, not the names.

Chapter 1: Sibling Love

"Mmmm. Right there, Spence. Oh god, don't stop!" Ashley Davies breathed out. She felt so good, so relaxed, so dopey.

"Yes, Miss Davies." Spencer Rockford responded to his client. Since he was new in the business he found it difficult to ignore her sighs and even more so her moans. But he was not going to ask questions. Asking questions could lead to him being fired, so he followed her instructions and kept at the one spot that seemed to elicit the most response.

Ashley closed her eyes and imagined a blonde, blue eyed young woman. One who had mastered the head tilt and smile skill. She tried to imagine her Spencer, the one she was wildly in love with, the one who needed space to figure out who she was and what she wanted. Ashley could answer those questions no problem, without having to think. Who was Spencer? She was Ashley's girlfriend, best friend, lover. What did she want? She clearly wanted Ashley, how could you not want the one you were in love with. Maybe that was problem, Spencer didn't exist without Ashley, at least not in Ashley's mind.

Ashley sighed, unable to imagine Spencer Carlin giving her a rub down instead of the red headed, freckle faced Rockford. She turned over signifying the massage was over, he nodded and started to pack up his belongings. Ashley hopped off the table and went to her check book. She paid him and he folded up the table. When he left, Ashley collapsed into a puddle on the floor by the foot of her bed. She cried and couldn't stop. Because finally, three months later, three months of using Aiden and letting him use her, three months of nightly unsatisfying conversations she started to mourn the best relationship she'd ever had. She had finally allowed herself to slow down and the gravity of the situation of her loss finally hit her. Losing Spencer Carlin was worse than losing her dad. So, Ashley Davies finally started to wallow.

"I'm sorry Miss Woods, I didn't mean to walk into you, I was just leaving." Spencer Rockford smiled apologetically and somewhat flirtatiously. He'd never admit it but he was seriously crushing on Kyla.

"No, no. It's okay. I was in such a hurry I wasn't looking. Of course I also wasn't expecting you to be leaving so soon. Usually you're here for another half hour." Kyla babbled. She found the masseuse very attractive and was therefore unable to speak normally.

"She ended it early for some reason. I'm not complaining though, I still got paid the whole amount." Shit. Spencer thought. You never talk money with the girl you're crushing on. But she just smiled and nodded and entered her loft.

"I guess I'll see you around, tomorrow." Kyla gave him a half smile before closing the door. Her cheeks were flushed and she was embarrassed.

Kyla made her way to the kitchen, the left over pizza was calling her, she just hoped her sister hadn't gotten there first. She laughed a little to her self and shook her head, Ashley was like a garbage disposal when it came to cold pizza. One time she had ordered pizza and didn't eat it until it was cold, claiming it was better that way. Kyla disagreed, she liked hot pizza, which is why she'd always microwave the left overs. Once she microwaved half a pizza, not because she was miss piggy or anything but just to make Ashley wait until it cooled down to appropriate cold pizza eating temperature. Ashley, impatient as she is put the slices in the freezer then went to take a bath. She'd forgotten all about the pizza and went out to dinner. They still had frozen pizza in their freezer.

Kyla opened up the pizza box on the counter, there was only one piece left. She wondered if Ashley had already had some or if they were just that hungry last night. Since Kyla was still on iffy grounds with her half sister she decided to offer the piece to Ashley. There was never a reason to be on Ashley's bad side, so one tried their best to avoid it, even if it meant sacrificing left over pizza. Of course, Kyla figured, if Ashley does want the pizza she'd kindly reheat it for her. Hey, that's what sisters are for.

Kyla knocked on Ashley's door, having walked in on her and Spencer and her and Aiden and occasionally just her. She waited, nothing. They had separate bathrooms so it was possible for the girl to be in hers and unable to answer the door. Kyla opened the door, hoping to not find Ashley in a compromising position, as she did a couple nights ago right after Spencer Rockford left. There on the floor was Ashley crying uncontrollably, her body heaving trying to get air into the lungs. Ashley's hands were wiping away tears and snot and pulling at her hair. Her knees were curled up against her chest making the small girl look smaller.

Kyla rushed forward and embraced Ashley in a hug, expecting Ashley to push her away physically and spit out some sarcastic comment to push her away emotionally. Instead her half sister hugged back with such force Kyla thought she was trying to squeeze the life out of her. She didn't say anything, there was nothing to say. Kyla just let her cry, no words of comfort would take away the pain. Frankly, Kyla had been expecting this, ever since the breakup/hookup that first week of school.

Ashley did not know what possessed her to allow Kyla to hug her and she couldn't for the life of her figure out exactly why she hugged back. She wasn't entirely sure why Kyla would risk walking in on her in an interesting position but found herself glad that Kyla didn't fully comprehend the knock concept. She hated to admit she needed comfort, and hated it even more that she wanted it too. But right now that was too much to think about. She was hurting and Kyla was simply being there for her and it felt right.

"I messed up. I messed it all up." She sniffled into her younger sisters shoulder. She'd have to remember to buy her a new shirt. She laughed slightly and Kyla laughed with her, probably relieved for a cut in the tension. Ashley wasn't so out of it to notice that Kyla wasn't disagreeing with her.

"I miss her." A whole new wave of tears started and she tightened her grip on Kyla even more.

"I know." Was all the Baltimore native could say. She wished she could say 'Spencer misses you too' or even 'you still have Spencer, nothing to miss' fix it response. But, alas, she could not lie to her sister. That's not to say that Spencer Carlin didn't miss the diva, it just meant that Kyla didn't know, she wasn't exactly buddy-buddy with the blonde these days.

"Do you… do you, uh, think maybe… Maybe she'd uh, you know… take me back?" Ashley cried, she was teetering on the edge of hysterics and Kyla knew she needed to take control before her sister lost all concept of it.

"Maybe." Despite Kyla's intentions to lie and comfort her big sister nothing came out but a lousy 'I don't know' answer.

"What if I beg?" Surprisingly Ashley had somewhat calmed down and pulled away from the embrace and looked at her sister in the eyes. Kyla looked down, not wanting to make eye contact.

"If I got down on my hands and knees and begged her, pleaded with her to take me back? Do you think she would?" Kyla had to curse herself for looking up into Ashley's eyes. They were so sincere, so sad and full of so much hope that Kyla felt like a monster for having to poke a hole in the hope balloon.

"Would you really want it that way? For her to take you because she pities you?" It was Ashley's turn to look down, a few fat tears slid down her cheeks so impossibly slow.

"Yes." Ashley whispered. It wasn't ideal, and it'd probably come back to haunt her like most of her ghosts, but still, she'd be with Spencer. What else mattered?

"Ash?" Kyla used her fingers to tilt the singer's chin upward, it was an incredibly overused romantic gesture but in this case it was meant as a way to see eye to eye, to open the windows of the soul. As soon as eye contact was met, Kyla blinked longer than a standard blink, she wanted so desperately to close the windows, they were letting the cold air in and the abominable snowman just put her own soul into a half nelson lock. She shivered and pulled the sad girl closer to her.

"Spencer would be crazy to want you." She felt Ashley shudder. "It's a good thing she's certifiably so." She kind of laughed, the laugh that was more like pushing air out of the side of your mouth and saying 'huh'. She felt Ashley smile into her shoulder and then blow her nose on her shirt.

"Ugh. Eww. Did you really have to do that?" Ashley nodded her head.

"I want my men." Kyla did a double a take, she thought they were talking about Spencer, a pretty blonde girl. Then she laughed.

"Coming right up!" Kyla helped Ashley to the bed and then made a trip to the freezer.

Kyla was just entering the room when Ashley's phone started to ring. Ashley made a move for it, to check who was calling. She held the phone up so Kyla could read the caller ID.

Spencer calling.

Spencer calling.

"Pick it up." Kyla shrugged. She didn't know if it was a good idea to for Ashley to talk, if Ashley could even manage to get words out of her mouth. But it was Spencer, and if anybody could make Ashley feel better she'd be the one.

"Hello." Not surprisingly it sounded like Ashley had been crying. Kyla made a signal with her head that she was just going to leave. Ashley nodded, thankful to be alone for this conversation.

'Call me' Kyla mouthed and made the universal call me hand signal, which was an inverted 'hang ten' by the ear and mouth.

"Hello." Ashley sounded like she had been crying and Spencer was on panic alert. She didn't like it when Ashley cried.

"What's wrong? Have you been crying?" She asked frantically while searching for the car keys so she could come over and comfort her former lover.

"No, no. I just finished watching 'A Walk to Remember' and 'The Notebook' with Kyla." Spencer wasn't convinced, she'd made Ashley watch those movies with her early in their courting period, when there was obvious flirtation but she was still trying to accept being gay and Ashley was too scared or too patient to make a move, and Spencer had been the blubbering emotional one at the end. But, if Ashley didn't want to tell her then who was she to force it out of her.

"So, uh? What's up?" Ashley asked filling the lull in the conversation, hoping to hell and back that Spencer didn't remember that the only movie to ever make her cry was 'Old Yeller'.

"Huh?" Spencer was still trying to find the keys, while changing into something that said 'I'm going to my ex's and want to look smoking hot but don't want her to think I dressed up for her'.

"Why'd you call?" Ashley was confused Spencer, which was nothing new, but she could've sworn she heard a shoe being thrown against the closet wall. Ashley would know that sound anywhere considering how many times a day she does that herself.

"Oh yeah." She laughed absentmindedly and Ashley practically melted further into her 'Spencer broke up with me' depression. "I rented a few movies and wanted to know if you wanted to watch them with me, or something. I just need to get out of the house. It's the Carlin family fight hour."

For someone who was never going to give up, it seemed to Spencer that Ashley had indeed given up and it was a little unsettling. It was like a stomach ache that wouldn't go away no matter how many bottles of pepto bismol is consumed. Sure, there was a time when Spencer didn't want to be chased, especially by the person who kidnapped her heart and wouldn't even ransom it out. And sure she had a girlfriend now, who was great in a million of ways except one: she wasn't Ashley. And okay if she wants to be honest and she doesn't, she'd admit that her new beau and her had had a giant fight and her instinct just happened to be to hang out with her ex to make some dark haired beauty jealous. It wasn't fair to any of them, but Spencer was sick of always being the nice one, thinking about others and consequences. For once, she was going to go with her instincts, that seemed to be in working order considering the whole Aiden fiasco.

"Oh. I'm not really up for that." The tears were once again welling up in Ashley's eyes and it took so much will power to turn down a quasi date with Spencer, she wasn't sure if she had any left to fight the tears. She sniffled and hoped it wasn't audible over the phone.

"Right." The disappointment was so blatantly obvious that Ashley almost shot up with glee to jump on her bed and Spencer wanted to rewind to Prom night and be taken out by the Northridge gang. And then she thought of her brother Clay and then she started to cry. It wasn't a fleeting tear or two, it was the hitched breath and the torrential downpour of salty tears. She hung up the phone and curled up into a little ball and rocked back and forth. She did not handle death very well.

Ashley felt like she'd been slapped in the face. Did she really make Spencer cry? And then she too started to cry. She cried out for Kyla to bring the ice cream.

Glen was on his way out of the house, he was not sticking around to listen to his parents fight. And he was not going to get dragged into it. He walked past Clay's room, which was still in perfect order and closed the door. Some days were harder than others, this one was harder than the hard ones. Eleven years ago Clay had become a Carlin, today marked the anniversary. Everyone was on edge and everyone was angry. It was time to retreat to their own corners and throw the towel in, so he was off to find Aiden and go to the gym and kick the shit of the punching bag, and then he wanted to find Madison and have her comfort him, or else get wasted. Preferably both.

He was on his way downstairs when he heard his baby sister, barely, crying over the sound of his parents ripping each other a new one. He paused outside her door, debating on whether he should stop and be a good brother, today of all days, or to just keep on his merry way. He looked over, by some unexplainable force at Clay's closed bedroom door. Clay would have stayed and comforted his little sister. Glen was all about honoring Clay's memory so he opened the door to his sisters room. He told himself it was for no other reason than because Clay would have done it, no need to ruin his reputation.

"Spence?" He saw her crying hysterically, half dressed, literally. The jeans she had decided on were only on one leg, and her blouse was buttoned haphazardly. She had one strappy sandal shoe on but unstrapped. He hair was half up, mostly down and her makeup was smeared all over her face. It appeared to Glen that she either had someone hiding in her closet or she was on her way out, away from the memory of what today meant to them, before this happened. Before she became so overwrought with grief that she just had to shut down.

Glen hurried over to her and hugged her. She didn't hug back and he didn't expect her to. Spencer was the most easy going person on the planet except for two instances, when she was ill or when she was grieving. She would turn into a 'gruff monster', as Clay would term it, when she was sick. She would whine for what felt like hours that she was hungry and then when food, whatever she had demanded, was in front of her she lost her appetite. She was fussy and turned into a terrible two year old. Clay had dubbed her the 'gruff monster' on one particularly bad flu spell because she only answered questions in quick one word answers with a scratchy low voice. Clay said she reminded him of one of his foster parents, a fifty year old man that was balding with a beer belly. Spencer had laughed and then growled and then demanded he buy her a candy bar. Clay had, of course bought her the kit kat bar, Glen wasn't sure if he would have himself, but it made Spencer smile brightly and proclaim "you're my favorotist brother ever!" and then stick her tongue out at Glen. But when Spencer was grieving, she shut down. She just cried and cried and zoned out. He'd give anything for the gruff monster to come out and growl at him and demand he buy her a candy bar. Glen's pretty sure he'd actually buy it, if for no other reason than to see her smile. He didn't care if she wouldn't proclaim him as her favoritist brother ever. It wouldn't matter if she did anyway, he was her only brother now.

And suddenly that thought brought tears to Glen's eyes and he didn't hold back. Because crying in front of his sister was the only time he felt like he could cry. Without warning Glen felt arms encircle him and offer him comfort. He felt like wrenching himself out of her hold and tell her he was a tough guy, he didn't need his little sister to comfort him. But he couldn't do it. He'd never felt so himself, so free then right now in her arms. They had come to an understanding, and a mutual agreement. They could come to one another whenever it got bad, no matter what. And nobody was going to find out. Because Glen didn't want to be considered a Brady kid anymore than Spencer did.

"Hey, little sis." Some more tears fell from his eyes and dropped on Spencer's head. She squeezed him a little tighter as if to say "I know, I hurt too."

"Hey big brother." She barely got out before she lost control again and had to fight to catch her breath.

"This sucks." Glen identified the atmosphere. Spencer nodded her head. A few seconds passed, a few more tears fell, Spencer got her breathing under control and wasn't crying quite as much, and then they heard more yelling from downstairs.

And then Glen laughed. And then Spencer laughed.

"Come on gruff monster, let's escape this madness." She froze at the term of endearment and he cursed himself for being so foolish.

"You know, Glen. Clay might be my favoritist brother, but you're my bestest brother ever." Glen smirked and turned around to let Spencer finish dressing. When she finished, which in Glens opinion took way too long, she had an entirely new outfit on and had taken her makeup off but hadn't reapplied any.

"Come on" he urged her and grabbed her hand "You're just going to have to go au natural." He pulled her forcibly to the door, barely giving her time to grab her purse, which didn't match her outfit, and her cell phone that was lost between the covers.

At the top of the stairs Glen pulled Spencer into a tight hug and whispered into her ear.

"You're my favoratist and bestest sister!" She laughed and smacked him the shoulder.

"Seriously Spence, I couldn't ask for a better sister because there is none." The mood was serious and Spencer had tear threatening to fall so Glen had to ruin the moment, if for no other reason then to stop the crying.

"Even though your gay." She hit again, but harder this time. But she laughed and stuck her tongue out at him.

"Glen!" She exclaimed, fake appalled at his behavior for ruining such a sibling bonding moment.

"I demand you buy me a Kit Kat Bar." He chuckled, and shook his head.

"Not a chance, little sister." Some memories, Glen knew, belonged between Clay and Spencer and only them, he would undoubtedly steal some of them, but this one, he vowed, would stay between the two of them. He was going to buy her a snickers, she needed to be reminded to take a break every once in a while anyway.

Arthur and Paula had stopped their petty fight when they noticed their children at the top of the stairs. Both of them looked to have been crying, not so surprising for Spencer but for Glen they were floored. For some reason they didn't interrupt the moment, not really seeing a reason to. Arthur knew everyone dealt with grief differently, and he was sure Spencer hadn't really dealt at all, and Paula had told him she wasn't sleeping very well which just amplifies the gravity of today even more. Glen had dealt with Clay's death quickly and without spinning out of control. He wasn't angry, he wasn't in denial, he wasn't overly sad, he had just accepted that death happens and it hurts. But he also knew Glen was hurting just as much as them, he missed his brother too, it wasn't fair to assume that Glen had moved on. Paula, usually one to ruin such moments, stood still and quiet and watched as Glen hugged his sister and how she hugged him back and then how Glen had easily turned the mood around to more of a joking one. She felt pride for how well Glen had turned out, drugs and army aside, he was a overall great young man. He was compassionate and intuitive yet friendly and juvenile at the same time. He could handle all of life's kicks and punches. Spencer, the gay issue aside because that was really something not in her favor, was growing into a fine woman. She was still young and it shined obviously through her eyes. She was smart but Paula wasn't sure she really understands the dangers in this world. She was innocent, which is every parents' dream and fear. She hadn't been corrupted, she still thinks about puppy dog smiles and rainbows, maybe rainbows a little too much, but that of course left room for her to be corrupted, for someone to come and corrupt her. But then again, Paula thought miserably, she didn't really know her daughter at all, not anymore, maybe not ever. Arthur had told her he suspected while they still in Ohio, even her mother had figured it out. It wasn't until they moved to L.A. though, that Spencer even realized it and then when she did she was terrified to tell anyone. If, and Paula stressed if, this is who Spencer is, she's glad she had Ashley around to help her figure it out. Arthur had told her a million times that if Ashley loves Spencer, like she so clearly does, then Ashley deserves to be loved back or at the very least be recognized benevolently as someone who loves her daughter. But, where is Ashley now? Where was Ashley when Spencer cried herself to sleep and sometimes beyond sleep for weeks after the shooting. It made her angry, how Spencer had been left alone in such a time. And then it made her mad at Clay for dying in the first place. She wished she could just cry, like Spencer and Glen, but she was beyond crying, she was furious. She welcomed him into her family and she gave him all the love and he just goes and dies on her.

The door clicked and Paula realizes that her kids left. She turned to Arthur who was looking stoic and sad and probably fifteen years older, and she yelled. She wasn't mad at him, and he knew that. She just needed to yell and scream until she couldn't anymore. Arthur knew this too. He also knew, what Paula didn't, that she wasn't angry at Clay so much as herself, for packing up their home and memories in Ohio to chase after a career and a former lover. He knew she was angry at herself for the affair, for not noticing Glen's drug addiction, for handling Spencer being gay in all the wrong ways. And beyond all her self hatred and her fake hatred at Clay for dying she's angry at the Northridge boys for not only killing Clay but for killing those other three students, for shooting countless others, for putting her other children in danger and the ones they care about in danger, for making her remaining children mourn their brother's loss and for having them wake up in the middle of the night screaming "GUN" over and over and over again until someone turns the light on and tells them they are at home and they are safe. And she's angry at those Northridge boys because even as she tries to calm her son down her daughter walks in and informs them that this isn't a home anymore, that they aren't safe and they never will be, and that they barely qualify as a family unit anymore before going back to her room to cry because her brother is dead and the one person she wants is in Europe and isn't returning her calls.

Finally Paula can't yell anymore. She's crying too much to make sense. Her grown up son is afraid of the dark and the real world while her innocent baby girl has been corrupted by the evils in this world. Nothing feels right anymore, nothing is normal. And suddenly and cruelly her daughter is right, they are barely a family.

Kyla and Ashley had successfully finished off two pints of Ben and Jerry's. Kyla had dragged her sister from her bed to the couch and turned on the TV so they could watch other peoples soap opera lives unravel. Ashley was surprisingly in better spirits after she picked up from off the floor. She told Kyla she inadvertently made Spencer cry which made her cry even more and feel even more unworthy of Spencer. When Kyla asked exactly how she managed to make the cheery girl go from, well cheery, to full on crying, Ashley clamped up, saying she didn't really know. Which was the truth, kind of, but the idea that Spencer would start crying because the brunette didn't want to watch movies with her was something she couldn't get into. She didn't want to think about how Spencer might totally want her, because the more she did think about it the more she realized that Spencer was crying for another reason. So Ashley didn't think about it, at all. She let Kyla pester her with a reheated slice of pizza, because it took her mind off the blonde.

"So tell me little sister, anyone you want to get with?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"Um, so I can warn them, duh!" The sisters started laughing. It felt good to not be crying.

"Actually there is. But I should probably warn them about you." Kyla responded, trying to drag the fun out as long as possible.

"Of course you should. I'm pretty scary, and hot." They were about two seconds away from entering the 'you stole my boyfriend' territory. But at least they both knew it and both tried to ignore. Plus, Aiden wasn't worthy of either of them. And they both knew it and even he finally figured it out.

"So, name?" Ashley urged, trying to sidestep any fight or general uneasiness between her and her half sister.

"Spencer." Kyla answered without thinking. Ashley's face fell but was quickly replaced with anger and rage. Kyla finally realizing her mistake took a back step or a step forward, who knew.

"Rockford. You know, your masseuse." Ashley's face relaxed but she was clearly done with sisterly bonding. Unfortunately Kyla didn't think it was that clear and kept going.

"Why do you have a masseuse named Spencer anyway, was it just a really weird coincidence or what?"

"I requested a Spencer, so that I wouldn't call out the wrong name." Her voice was flat trying to make Kyla realize that she didn't want to talk about it anymore. Although, clearly since she answered, she wanted to keep talking about it. Something was clearly wrong with her to request a Spencer to give her back rubs. Of course she'd actually requested a blonde blue eyed female Spencer but Rockford was the only Spencer the agency had, other agencies didn't have any, so she was stuff with the red head.

"What exactly do you pay him for?" Kyla's voice had raised an octave or two causing Ashley to crack up laughing and to crawl out of her 'leave me alone' cave.

"To massage me, what else, perv!" Kyla threw a pillow, at Ashley, who was unaware that her little half sister called a pillow face, took the feathery rectangle to the face.

"Oh this is war!" Ashley smacked the pillow back at Kyla and soon feathers were flying everywhere.

Glen and Spencer drove around randomly until the puffiness around their eyes went away. They hung out at an In N' Out eating double double cheeseburgers and fries with shakes. There were three flavors and only two of them so naturally they each got one of every flavor. They were siblings, not friends, so they didn't share milkshakes.

"So, where were heading out to, you know before…?" He trailed off, not wanted to go back there. Glen swears if he ever sees Spencer cry like that again he will cry too.

"I was going to go watch some movies with Ashley." She hoped he wouldn't make a big deal out of it. She was allowed to still be friends with her ex, despite the crazy laws against it that her current comes up with.

"Oh, well you want me to drop you off." Glen didn't care about his sister's sex life, he liked to pretend it didn't exist.

"She actually doesn't want me to come over, so…uh no."

"What about Carmen's place?" She shook her head.

"We're fighting. Plus I'm just not ready for her to see me like a complete and utter crying mess." Glen nodded.

"Where were you off to? Cause I can just chill downtown somewhere."

"Gym. Bar. Madison's. You can come." It was odd Glen realized. One minute they were the best of friends, the next they were back to being siblings who didn't often get along.

"Right, I'll pass." Spencer noticed the change too. It felt normal. It felt like what she had been missing since prom.

"I'm not going to just drop you off in downtown LA and let you let you find your own way home, for all I know, you'll come home with a tattoo." Her eyes lit up and he shook his head. Tattoos went against the bible, or so he'd been told, it's not like he'd actually read it.

"Please. It'll be like a sibling bonding moment." He liked the idea. He hated that he liked the idea.

"It'll hurt."

"It already hurts." Well, with an honest to god statement like that Glen could in no way refuse her.

"Alright let's go. Don't forget your milkshakes, might need it afterwards."

The tattoo and piercing parlor wasn't nearly as tacky and run down inside as it was outside and for an extra fifty they overlooked that she was a minor without parental consent, she just had to forge her mom's signature on a waiver form. Glen went first, choosing be all tacky and sentimental getting a simple 'RIP C' on his ankle in small letters. It hurt and he tried to be macho. Spencer laughed, still deciding what she wanted and where she wanted it. In the end, she just went for it. She sat down in the chair, told her brother to wait outside or something, then pulled her pants down and told the artist exactly where she wanted a script 'A'. It hurt and she cried, but it felt good, to feel physical pain over emotional. When it was done and the bandage placed over it, it finally sunk in what she'd done. A tattoo is permanent. She just got a permanent reminder of her ex-girlfriend in a very intimate spot.

She didn't tell Glen what she got, but where she got it so he would never ask to see it. He chuckled.

"Mom'll never see it either, which is good. Or else I'm dead. You don't have a tattoo until your eighteen, got it." She nodded. "And for the love of god, don't let it get infected!" She nodded again, a little more fearful. Sure her mother would kill her, but if it got infected her mother would kill her, her brother, the tattoo guy and even worse would make her explain exactly why she got that particular marking in that particular place. Plus she'd have an infection.

"So there's a blockbuster over there, you could rent some movies and I could drop you off at their place. I know you said she doesn't want you there, but if she's your friend she'll let you be there because you want to be. But I got to go kick some punching bag, let off some steam." He said in a concerned brother tone making it hard to just sit there and not tell him everything. But some things are best talked about between girls. She nodded her head. They were already in the blockbuster parking lot anyway. She had nothing to lose, really. She already pushed Ashley away, her girlfriend and her were on the outs whether Carmen knew that or not, and she'd hardly seen Kyla anyway. So by going there, what could she possible lose?

She picked up some movies, the story line was blah but they had hot girls in bikinis. She figured at the very least Ashley wouldn't turn down 'Into the Blue' and would have to let her stay. She bought some sour patch kids, milk duds and the microwave popcorn in the bucket.

"Is this all ma'am?" The bored teenager asked. She hated that she was called ma'am. She hated that the goofy looking, braces wearing curly haired boy didn't think she was hot. Sure, it would be more of a nuisance if he did, but it would make her feel better. Oh well. She was about to yes when she turned her head and noticed the Red Vines, Ashley would kill her if she didn't have Red Vines, so she grabbed a couple packets, okay 4, and tossed them in the pile. She paid and quickly left. It was getting late and she was getting tired, good thing she got a scary movie too.

Glen hugged her as she left the car, and tossed her a snickers.

"It's not a kit kat." She cut him off with a kiss to the cheek. It's times like these she's thankful Glen hadn't been the one to die. He could pull off being nice and sweet and caring. But Clay could never pull off being a jerk. She shoved that thought to the back of her mind. She won't cry again tonight.

She ran up and caught the door to the building as someone had entered. She didn't want to have to use the intercom, on the off chance that Ashley didn't want her around at all, then she'd have to stand outside in the cold. Going up stairs was really painful considering where her tattoo just happens to be. She winced but trudged through. This pain was worth having, kind of. You know the pain of regret and all that jazz.

She stopped outside the door and heard laughing. Could she do this, ruin a sibling moment? She turned around and walked down a flight of stairs, going down was even more painful, before going back up. She paced down the hall, past the elevator twice before she realized there was an elevator. She tried to kick herself but failed, again the stupid tattoo. Finally she sucked it up and knocked on the door. There was some more laughing and some playful screaming. Now she really hoped it was a sibling moment, not some girl keeping Ashley's bed warm, or Aiden for that matter.

Kyla opened the door, surprised to see Spencer standing outside, with movies and a bag of candy.

"Spencer?" She asked a little louder than intended. Spencer stood there and just looked at her.

"Spencer?" She heard Ashley in the background.

"Yours or mine?" Ashley asked then started laughing. Spencer arched her eyebrow and shrugged her shoulders.

"Yours." Kyla yelled back to Ashley who seemed to shut up quickly. Ashley got up and walked to the door.

"Spencer?" Again with the question.

"Come on guys, I know I don't have any make up on…" Ashley laughed and opened the door so Spencer could enter.

"I know you said not to come over and all, but… well sorry… I'll uh… um leave, yeah I'll just leave." She turned to go when Kyla, who was still at the door, kicked the door shut and put the safety chain on.

"Nope, you're stuck now." She went to her room and grabbed her purse and keys and went to leave the chain stopped her exit.

"Huh? Apparently so am I." She unlocked the door and left. Spencer and Ashley looked at each other, the awkwardness was evident.

"This was a bad idea. I'm sorry I ruined your night." Spencer went to leave, she had no ride and it was cold outside, but it was pretty nippy inside too.

"You could never ruin my night." It was so quiet both girl were wondering if it had actually be said.

"So what'd you get? I see Red Vines."

After the initial tension in the room, things simmered down to normal. Normal. Spencer loved the word and hated it at the same time. She loved how it felt but missed it terribly. Nothing was really normal anyway, not anymore. Because no matter how right it felt to be snuggled up against Ashley watching a movie it wasn't. Before when she'd done this she had two parents and two brothers to go home to and Ashley was more than a friend, even when they claimed they weren't. Now her brother was dead and Ashley was just a friend and barely that.

"Can I ask you a question?" Ashley spoke interrupting the comfortable silence. When Spencer didn't say anything Ashley smacked her with a Red Vine. She wanted to do something a little bit more attention grabbing, but refrained from doing so. Still the candy worked it's magic.

"Uhuh." Spencer didn't tear her eyes away from the screen, she was afraid to. She didn't want to see those beautiful brown eyes, to see the pain, the loss, the hurting, the concern. Or maybe she didn't want Ashley to see her eyes, her lust filled eyes.

"Look at me Spence." Ashley knew this game, they'd played for months before they got together. Spencer sighed and looked up, she stared straight into the brown eyes. Ashley had to look away, the intensity, the passion, the incredible amount of hurt. It was all too much to handle.

"Why did you start to cry?" Spencer let out a breath of relief. Until she realized she'd have to answer it. It was an easy question and much better than the "why aren't we together?" question she had expected. But it just brought a lot of emotions to the table. Ashley was strong, physically and mentally. Emotionally she was like a caved in igloo. Besides why bring up the reason you broke up with her. Seriously why not just tell the brunette how incredibly unstable she's been since her brother's death, how she can't sleep at night, how her family is falling apart and she's part of the problem. Why not tell just Ashley that Carmen is abusive and that she doesn't fight back, accepts it because it feels like she deserves to be punished for being who she is. Why not open up that can of worms?

"Major missing Clay issue." Spencer answered. It was the truth without actually being the truth.

"Yikes. I'm sorry."

"Why were you really crying when I called?" Spencer tried to see if she'd get the truth.

"Major missing you issue." Ashley practically swallowed her tongue. She could not believe she'd just said that. The truth was against her. Spencer seemed to freeze up, not surprisingly. Ashley wished she could undo that moment of stupidity, but out of all the re-dos she wants that one would be at the bottom. The first one would be to not make Aiden dance with her at Prom, or to shut him the hell up with an "I love Spencer, not you" response, or to not run off to Europe when Spencer needed her. Or maybe asking Spencer to prom in the first place.

"Oh, I should go." Spencer got up, winced, which didn't go unnoticed by Ashley and made a move to the door.

"No, Spence, hear me out." Ashley was desperate, she'd made a mistake being honest, maybe now, she could turn it into something better.

"I uh, I know I messed up. That's just who I am, I guess. The one who messes up when things suck. I don't know exactly what moment I regret the most concerning our break up, probably the disappearing act or the…" She paused she didn't want to mention Aiden.

"The night of, after thing. And I know I said I'd never give up, and then just did. And I know I'm not good enough for you." Spencer tried to interrupt.

"No, let me finish. Spence I know that we're different and not really made for each other. I know you deserve best and I know at some point you would've realized this and left me anyway." She tried to catch her breath.

"I love you. I can't say it enough. I love you. I am so pathetically in love with you… I don't even make sense. It's just I never felt so good, so calm and so…just me, like… You make me feel. And that's just it, I feel when I'm around you. I'm not so numb with you around." Once again Spencer tried to interject but Ashley wouldn't have it, she held up her hand to stop and then the one minute finger to think about what to say next.

"I need you. I know you were slumming it with me before, and I know you'll eventually move on to someone a little more deserving than me. But… does it have to be now. Can't you just keep slumming it with a little longer?" Ashley stopped, tears rolled down her face, but she felt better after having said that. She tried to prepare herself for the inevitable, 'No'. But nothing happened.

"I'm, uh.. I'm done." Ashley clarified. Spencer nodded her head trying to wrap her head around the emotional monsoon of words.

"I think you're wrong. You are too good for me. I hold you back." Spencer paused, and let out a long breath. She promised herself she wouldn't cry anymore tonight.

"I should just leave. It was a bad idea to come here." Normally Ashley would be upset and make a big deal about that last comment, but she was too confused to worry about that. How could they both think the other was too good for them. She grabbed Spencer's wrist, stopping her from leaving.

"Why?"

"Why, what?"

"Why? How could you possibly think I am too good for you. I broke your heart, I practically cheated on you, I party way too much and have no emotional grounding. You're like perfect. Why do you think I'm too good for you?" Ashley wasn't sure what was going on, but she somehow sensed there was more to this than she initially thought.

"You treat me good, kind of like a fairy, or a princess or something people hold above them. I don't deserve that."

"I treat you the way you should be treated. You're priceless Spencer." They were whispering and were impossibly close to one another without actually tearing each others clothes off.

"No. You're wrong." Spencer tried to pull away from the intense eye lock and the conversation and Ashley's touch.

"I'm not." Ashley had had enough, she was just going to go for it. She leaned in and kissed the blonde. When Spencer pulled back, Ashley followed. It didn't take long for Spencer to kiss back, to moan and sigh into Ashley's mouth. Ashley smiled and pulled Spencer closer to her.

They retreated to the bedroom, jumping into what they weren't ready for. A kiss can take away doubts but sex, love making, whatever it was would only add more. Ashley tugged at Spencer's shirt, Spencer went right down to business and slid her hand down Ashley's pajama pants. Ashley jumped, surprised and turned on. She ripped Spencer's shirt off before discarding her own. She saw some bruises but in her aroused state she ignored them, it was probably nothing anyway. Spencer's mouth found her breast bone and sucked and nibbled. Ashley sighed and squirmed under Spencer's touch. The timid blond was unusually aggressive. Ashley didn't have time to ponder why. There was no way she was going to let Spencer have all the fun. She pulled at Spencer's jeans.

"Off." She breathed as she tugged some more. Spencer reluctantly pulled away from the brunette and slid her jeans off. She started to resume her position but Ashley held her back, staring at the white gauze on her upper inner thigh.

"It doesn't hurt. Let's go." Spencer leaned in and kissed Ashley's lips, but that was all it was, Ashley wouldn't let her go any further.

"Oh my god. It all makes sense now. That whole you treat me too good speech and everything."

"What?" The blonde was having a blonde moment.

"You're cutting yourself. And those bruises…" Spencer pulled the bandage off and shyly smiled as Ashley saw the script 'A' in black ink. She smiled, a little confused. If they were broken up, why would she…?

"Uh, wow. I don't really know what to say."

"It stands for Abstinence. It better hurry up and change that." Ashley laughed and Spencer pulled her in for a deep kiss, her hands taking off the singers bra. Ashley pulled back.

"And the bruises?"

"Not important." Spencer made a move again but Ashley held off.

"It is to me."

Spencer sat up, clearly she wasn't going to get lucky. She looked around her shirt and jeans. She started to get dressed.

"Hey no, that's not what I meant, okay? Just stop dressing okay." Spencer stopped and sighed.

"Just tell me. It's me, Ashley Davies, I'm not some wolf in disguise." She laughed, Spencer didn't.

"I kind of, uh… let my girlfriend push me around." And sometimes she slugs me in the stomach and I feel like I can't breath for days afterwards, but eh?

"You what?" Ashley was beyond outraged. She knew Spencer had a girlfriend, that she didn't care about so much as Spencer getting hurt and letting herself get hurt. She might not be cutting, but she might as well be.

"I'll kill her! I'm going to kill you. How? Why? Spencer… exactly what is wrong with you?"

"See? See what I mean? You're too…"

"Don't even say it. I'm pretty messed up myself, okay?" Ashley snapped but looking at her priceless porcelain doll with her teary blue eyes were like looking into the window of a depressed persons tree house, you could see all the pain because it was so clearly there, but it was too easy to ignore.

"Can you just drop it? Just for tonight. I haven't gotten a good nights sleep since before prom, and I'd like to try." To Ashley that made sense, people who didn't sleep were generally disturbed in one way or another.

"Sure baby." They cuddled up next to each other and fell into a hopefully fitfully free night.

Glen stumbled out of the cab and upstairs to his room. He opened Spencer's room to see if she was in, she wasn't. He opened Clay's room and stared at it. He was almost drunk enough to imagine the black boy sleeping in his bed. He finally walked into his room and turned on the light before passing out on his bed. Sometimes he was more afraid of the light than the dark, at least in the dark he could make believe. Which is why Glen sleeps with the light on.

A/N: I apologize for any gramatical or spelling errors. I hope you liked. Please review while i work on chapter 2. I'm always up for ideas so throw some my way and i'll try to work them in/


	2. Paradise Lost

Disclaimer: I do not own South of Nowhere.

Chapter 2: Paradise Lost?

Kyla Woods entered her loft seven minutes after midnight. She didn't know what to expect, but it was Spencer and Ashley so it could be anything from a cuddle fest to broken dishes to the naked tango. Even more so Kyla didn't know what she wanted to see. As horrible as walking in and seeing everything would be it would mean that Ashley was happy again, whole again as clichéd as that was. Even the debris from an all out rage war would be comforting to come home to, at least then everybody's favorite couple would be working things out. After all you didn't get angry at someone if you didn't love them just as much or more. So when Kyla opened her door and found the living area, as it wasn't actually a room with four walls, and found nothing but the blue screen of the television signaling the DVD was done playing she was disappointed. Kyla groaned, Ashley always did that. That girl just did not know how to turn the DVD player and television off, or she just didn't because she knew how much it annoyed Kyla. On second thought, it was probably the latter, that fit her personality much better.

Kyla sighed, turned off the machines, then walked into her bedroom. It was late and she was tired. Dealing with Ashley, the crying miserable mess of Ashley Davies, was very draining. Plus she spent the last few hours clubbing with a couple of hot strangers. That was also very draining, especially since it started and ended on the dance floor. She was hoping for some after hours bedroom activities but apparently the guy had a jealous girlfriend. Kyla was lucky to just get away without being bitch slapped.

She saw her bed, unmade just as she liked it, and collapsed into it. She flung her flip flops at the wall, they hit with a thud, and Kyla closed her eyes, sleepily pulling the covers over her body. She wondered, hazily, if Ashley was okay after the Spencer Carlin hanging out session. She hoped that Ashley hadn't gone and ruined all hope of them getting back together. She shook her head and mumbled to herself, she didn't have anymore energy in her to worry about her half sister's love life.

Ashley woke up to a thud, thud of shoes hitting the wall. She wondered if that was just a little weird. And then she remembered the course of the night, the movies, the tearful confrontation, the wild make out session, the tattoo, the bruises… she shivered at the thought of someone hurting her Spencer, because yes, Spencer did belong to her. She looked over to her side, hoping that it wasn't all a dream, she hoped mildly that the bruises and more so the reason of the bruises were just a nightmare. But as she saw the dark purplish green marking on the faintly moonlit undergarment clad Spencer she knew it was not a nightmare, it was her own personal hell.

She rolled over pressing her body as close as she possibly could to the wounded blonde. If there were open wounds to lick, Ashley would, but these wounds were deep and cutting into the very soul of Spencer. Ashley wished for pitch darkness, for the blinds to be pulled down and the window to close. Because no matter what people say about the soul and true love there was something creepy and unnerving about seeing the mechanics of someone's being. And it was disturbingly clear that Spencer needed a mechanic. Ashley, as much as she loved the girl, was not very good at fixing these, she was usually more destructive when it came to helping someone heal.

Ashley's soul sighed. She couldn't fix Spencer and Spencer needed to be fixed. She couldn't do anything but hold the girl while she tried to sleep off the waking nightmare of reality, and that was purely for her own selfish reasons.

The brunette leaned over and placed a kiss on the blonde's forehead. It wasn't much, because it wasn't supposed to be much. It was just a kiss, it didn't have any emotions tied to it. It was just something she felt compelled to do. She heard the younger girl moan slightly before she snuggled into the warm embrace encircling her. Ashley smiled. Spencer was always lonely in bed, always seeking out warmth, no matter how scathing hot it was outside. Some things never changed. Ashley thought that this, just laying in bed together, being intimate without actually being intimate, felt normal. Or as close to normal as one could get considering the circumstances. Because Ashley had a long time ago, when she realized she like girls the same way she liked boys, figured out that there is no such thing as normal. Normal was just a word some ancient Englishman came up with to describe the feeling of 'this is right', and even then it was just a perception of what feels right.

Ashley closed her eyes, tired of philosophizing. Ashley closed her eyes so she could imagine that the Spencer she was holding in her arms was the same innocent one who still prayed every night even though she wasn't sure of her faith anymore, instead of the broken shell of a girl who just lost her brother and couldn't find it in herself to move on. But mostly, Ashley imagined that the Spencer in her arms was her girlfriend, not her former lover/maybe current lover.

Glen woke up in a cold sweat, just as he had been every night since a eleven days after prom. He didn't scream out "Gun" this time, as his mother wasn't already in his room trying to soothe him out of his confusion, because his father was standing there offering him a glass of water, and his sister wasn't there to tear down any feel better walls their mother was able to construct. Or maybe he did scream out, and this time nobody came running. It was time for him to grow up and deal with it himself.

Eleven nights after prom the nightmares started, the night terrors, because that is truly what they were, that he thought he deserved. Glen was a horrible man, and a disgraceful brother. He deserved these waking dreams.

His mother thought that Glen yelled out 'gun', because he was afraid. But Glen had enlisted in the army because at one point he wanted to be in the army. No, Glen was not afraid of guns, no more than anyone else who lived through the shooting. His father thought that Glen was still grieving Clay, still reliving the night of his brother's death. And what did Spencer think? Glen didn't want to know. And what did Glen think? He thought, after having seen the documentary, that Ashley was right, everyone got buried somehow.

Glen woke up reliving the night with a different ending, one which left Clay alive and well, one which left him to watch the life slowly drain out of the blue eyes of his baby sister. Glen couldn't even take joy in the fact that his brother was alive, because Spencer dying, even in his nightly horror film, hurt more than Clay's real life death ever did. Waking up, even to see her emotionlessly tell them that they had no family, was enough to make Glen's heart swell, 'thank god she was alive'. It was in those moments that Clay's death had left no impact on him. And Glen hated himself for this fact. Because it is so blatantly clear, now, that blood did separate him and Clay as brothers. It made Glen want to die.

Eleven days after prom, after they buried Clay in the ground, Glen sat idly by watching the life drain ever so slowly and excruciatingly out of his little sisters eyes. He watched her die in everyway except the one that counts. He watched as everybody, including himself, was too consumed in their own grief to even notice that she had given up on living. His nightmare was anything but.

Suddenly unable to stay in his room, trying to even his breathing, Glen had to see Spencer. He needed to be reassured that her heart was still pumping blood and oxygen. He needed to be reassured that he still had a sister to hug when things got too rough. He tiptoed, sniffling every step, to her room. He flung open the door and was met with the still of the night. There was nobody. Spencer was not in her bed on a school night, trying to sleep like everybody else in this family who stayed up until exhaustion just took over. He collapsed to the floor and started to wail like a baby. He didn't care if his neighbors in China could hear him. This hurt. He could have sworn that he and Spencer got tattoos and milkshakes together. He looked down at his ankle and ripped the gauze pad off. He stared at it for a long time, making sure the 'C' wasn't actually an 'S'. He remembered he dropped her off at Ashley's loft. She was probably still there pretending to be alive.

He ran back to his room and grabbed his cell phone. He'd call, make sure she was okay, that he hadn't lost both of them, when he really had, he only had one tombstone to visit though.

Spencer woke up to the sound of the 'ghost busters' theme song from her cell phone in the living room. She found herself regretting the extra high volume setting she'd chosen. She regretted even more knowing she had to answer it. It was Glen. Whatever it was it was important. She wrenched herself out of the warmth of Ashley's cuddle, feeling the cold as soon as she does. For a minute she wants to forget about Glen.

She walks into the living room and catches Kyla's sleepy eyes open wide at her appearance. It must not have been obvious that she stayed the night. She mouthed 'sorry' to Kyla, because it was obvious her cell phone had woken her up. Kyla didn't retreat back to her room though. Spencer assumed she wanted to chat some after the phone call. She ignored it and answered the phone.

"Hello." Her voice was groggy, it sounded as though she'd just woken up, which she did.

"Thank you god! You're alive." She heard her brother cry into the phone. She felt her heart break. Glen had had another nightmare.

"Do you need me to come home?" She asked, slightly more awake.

"No. You should stay. Try and sleep, you know." She nodded and though he couldn't see it, he definitely knew she had.

"Um. It'll be alright you know. You're home and safe…" He cut her off with a semi laugh.

"Spence, seriously? I don't want comfort, I want the truth." He did want comfort, but coming from Spencer it sounded alien and gave him goose bumps. Things were changing again.

"You're right. We're not safe, we never will be. There is no such thing as being safe. And you're only in the comforts of a house, not a home. We're not even a family anymore, I doubt we ever will be." She said flat and in monotone much as she had done every night since. It killed Glen to hear her tone and her words, but it was the only thing that qualified as normal lately.

Ashley heard the phone ring and ignored it. She was comfortable and didn't want to move. But Spencer, her sleeping beauty, had gotten up to answer the cellular device. Ashley was cold without Spencer in her arms. And she also realized, she was topless. She grabbed a tank top and put it on quickly to make sure Spencer wasn't going to just leave her to wake up in bed alone.

She heard Spencer answer in her sleep voice, which Ashley thought was so incredibly cute. She followed the sound out to the living space and saw Spencer talking and Kyla just staring at her. This wouldn't exactly be a problem if Spencer weren't in her bra and panties. She shot a look at her sister, who obviously sensed the bad vibes and pointed to the bandage on Spencer's thigh, probably thinking the same thing she had earlier. Ashley, not wanting Kyla to freak out and into damage control mode, lifted her shirt slightly and pointed to her tattoo. Kyla nodded and her mouth made the 'O' shape as she understood. Then her eyebrows scrunched together and Ashley shrugged, amazed they could understand each other without words. Kyla was referring to the location of the body ink.

Ashley and Kyla both froze as the conversation took a turn. Spencer's voice was cold and uncaring. There was no inflection and it sounded lifeless. Ashley refrained from gasping or doing anything that would draw attention to her eavesdropping.

Spencer yawned. And the conversation was back to normal. Well about as normal as a three A.M. conversation.

"I'm really tired. Are you sure you don't want me to go home?" They heard her ask and Ashley hoped whoever it was on the other line said no.

"Okay. Ew…Oh whatever…fine! I love you too… Are you happy now? Well that just sucks. Goodnight." Spencer attempted to end the conversation, but whoever it was seemed to want to keep talking. Spencer yawned again, much more dramatically than before.

"Look you can sleep in my bed or whatever, if it helps….Glen! No that doesn't mean you can do whatever. You are sick." Ashley stepped closer to Spencer in hopes to hear what Glen was saying. Eavesdropping was so annoying.

"Yeah I am, but you're dead." Ashley's jaw dropped open. What did Glen mean by that?

"What? No I'm not. Glen maybe I should come home. You shouldn't be alone right now." Spencer frowned at his comment. Is that what he dreams about? Her dying? Or does he think she's down so much she might as well be dead.

"Little sis, I was just kidding. Have fun or whatever. But just so you know I do not condone what you do, or rather who you do. And neither does god by the way."

"Shut the fuck up Glen." Kyla was shocked at the curse word coming from Spencer. She'd never heard Spencer swear before and it didn't sound right. Ashley had only head Spencer say that word a handful or times and it was always when Ashley would tease her in bed. It always turned her on when Spencer swore, and it took all her will power to not yank the blonde away from the conversation and into the bedroom so she could have her wicked way with her. They were still in a much too delicate situation to be moving that fast. It almost made Ashley feel relieved that they hadn't gone that far a few hours ago. Almost.

Spencer hung up the phone after saying goodnight for the final time. She turned around to speak with Kyla, not yet seeing her almost lover.

"You wanted to talk?" It came out harsh, not what Spencer intended to do. But she didn't sleep very well as it is and to be awoken in the middle of her REM cycle made her really cranky.

"I'm sorry, that came out wrong. I'm just really tired and I don't sleep very well anymore." For some reason Spencer found it easy to just be herself around Kyla. Kyla didn't expect anything from her, she could just listen and understand. She got caught up in the mess too.

"It's okay. We can talk another time." Kyla didn't want to talk in front of Ashley. Sure the girl was her sister but Kyla still couldn't relate to her. Spencer obviously knew about bad dreams and the after effects of a traumatic events. Ashley moved on seamlessly, not giving it a second thought that someone tried to kill her.

Ashley was confused. Why would Kyla want to talk to Spencer? It was too early in the morning to think. Instead of dwelling on it, Ashley drew Spencer into a hug from behind. She felt Spencer jump slightly, obviously having not anticipated the embrace.

"Come back to bed, baby." The brunette whispered into the blonde's ear. Spencer shivered as hot breath hit the skin right under her ear. Ashley noticed and smirked. She leaned in further and started to kiss that particular spot.

"I'm so out of here. Have fun guys." Kyla laughed while putting her hand over her eyes to show how repulsed she is at their affection display. They both knew she was happy for the two, glad to see her sister smile for real again.

"If you're teasing me, then stop. I really am tired. It really does take me a few hours to fall back to sleep. So if you're going to wake me up further, I suggest you make it worth my while." Ashley stopped, not because she actually cared what Spencer was saying, but because she didn't want to leave any markings on the girl, even a love bite. Spencer still had a girlfriend, an abusive one at that. She didn't want to intentionally put Spencer in harms way. Plus, she didn't want to go there. Sure, she was worse than a teenage boy when it came to being intimate with Spencer, but still Spencer's mind was fragile.

"Let's go to sleep baby. We have a lot to talk about in the morning." Ashley whispered. It sent chills down Spencer's spine and induced her fight or flight instinct. But exhaustion took over and the blonde just yawned and nodded her head. She could run from the inevitable conversation in the morning.

The two sort of lovers went to their bedroom and laid down on the bed. Ashley pulled the covers up to their waists. It wasn't really cold in southern California, and especially not when you're cuddled up against another body. The singer laid flat on her back and Spencer went to her automatic position, with her head resting on Ashley's chest so she could hear the brunette's heart beat. Spencer closed her eyes and concentrated on the 'thump thump' and soon found herself fast asleep.

"Spence?" Ashley heard her breathing quiet and even out. She thought Spencer said something about it taking a few hours to fall back to sleep. She wondered if she was the cure to the blonde's insomnia, or if Spencer had simply lied. In any case, she was happy that Spencer's head was resting on her chest just like it used to whenever they shared a bed.

Paula and Arthur returned home after a long drive around the city. They had yelled and cried and then it was just time to get out and wander. They didn't go to the cemetery, it would be too final. They just drove around in little circles. It was extremely early when they entered the house so they tried their best to be quiet, tiptoeing around all the squeaky floor boards. Arthur opted to check on the children while Paula just went to the bedroom. He opened Glen's room and found the boy sleeping peacefully. He opened his daughter's room expecting her to be awake and miserable, instead he found a lump of pillows under the covers. Spencer wasn't home. It frightened him and relieved him as well. Fear was a powerful emotion and overrun all his feelings of relief. He grabbed his cell phone and dialed her number.

_"hush little baby, don't you cry, Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring" _

"And if that diamond ring won't shine, Papa's going to buy you" Kyla found herself signing to the ring tone of the blasted cell phone in the living quarters. She rolled out of bed and made a grab for it. She didn't know what Spencer and Ashley were doing, they were quiet, which was unusual for them. And if Spencer was sleeping she didn't want the poor girl to wake up.

"Hello?" Her voice cracked but she didn't care considering the time of morning.

"Spencer?" It was deep older voice. So Kyla assumed it was either her pimp or her father.

"Mr. Carlin?" She took a guess.

"Yeah, who's this?"

"Kyla. Ashley's sister." She clarified in case he didn't know who she was.

"yeah, I remember you." She smiled for some reason for some unknown reason.

"So, I'm assuming since you're answering Spencer's phone that she's with you. Am I correct in that assumption" He asked, feeling his fear dwindling away. He was happy that Spencer found support in her friends at such a trying time. He smiled, proud that his little girl grew up and learned to accept help when she needed it.

"Actually she's with Ashley." Arthur's smile faltered. He loved his daughter and he loved Ashley but the two of them together was never a relief. If Spencer was with Ashley then she was putting off actually coming to terms with her problems. Instead she was creating more.

"Oh." He didn't really have anything to say to that. He couldn't very well demand Kyla go and wake his daughter and bring her home. And he couldn't actually say that he thought Ashley would harm his fragile daughter's psyche.

"Yeah, I know it's strange. But they make each other happy." Arthur tried to remember the last time he saw Spencer happy, it was prom night when she came down the stairs and laid eyes on Ashley.

"I just don't want to her to get hurt, anymore than she already is." Kyla nodded feeling like she was in the middle of some big mystery. The more she observed and listened to Spencer the more she came to the conclusion that the girl just wasn't alright and she worried that maybe her sister was getting into something she couldn't handle.

"Well, I'm sorry to wake you up, Kyla. My kids never tell me anything these days." He laughed slightly. Kyla said goodbye and went back to her room to sleep. If that phone rings one more time she'd have to throw it against the wall.

Ashley woke up feeling very content. And why wouldn't she? She had Spencer in her arms. She looked down at the blonde and smiled. She loved waking up to messy, strewn everywhere hair. It felt right. She looked over at the alarm clock, it was half past eleven in the morning. She couldn't believe she slept that long. She couldn't believe Spencer, miss I never sleep past ten, was still asleep. The brunette thought about waking up the girl in her arms and lecturing her on wasting half her day just by over sleeping, but in the end she decided to let the blonde sleep, she really needed it. In the mean time, however, Ashley was faced with a dilemma: should she stay still in the highly comfortable position she was in and risk wetting herself, the blonde, and the bed or did she move and go to the bathroom risking waking up the blonde and possibly never returning to the same position. She couldn't decide, she didn't want to wake the girl who oh so clearly needed the sleep, but her bladder was really difficult to ignore. She moved a little, to try and hold it in better. She moved again, finding that no position she moved to would make her forget about having to go number one.

"Oh just go to the bathroom already." The not so sleeping girl sighed. Ashley did not wake her up with her endless moving or her volcanic erupting snores (which Ashley was to never know about because then the drama queen would be even more self conscious than she already was and they'd never be able to do anything. Spencer actually thought it was cute and so telling to Ashley's personality; small girl, big personality). Spencer woke up at around ten because she could never sleep past the hour, she just laid there with her eyes closed for the last hour and a half just listening to Ashley's heartbeat and snores, the rhythm was so melodic and put her mind to peace. She was able to calmly assess the last few months of her life, acknowledge her mistakes. She made no efforts into fixing them or coming to terms with why she had a particular problem. She reflected on Clay's death and the prom shooting but when she felt the tears well up in her eyes she stopped and thought about how nice Ashley smelled. Of course that made her think about why her and Ashley failed, and then about Carmen. She knew she had to decide, and she hated it. She hated it especially since she gave Ashley that ultimatum, the circumstances were different but still… In the end Spencer just didn't want anybody to hurt, especially herself.

Ashley laughed and smacked Spencer, playfully, because she would never hurt Spencer, intentional or not, on the nose. She moved and made a mad dash to the bathroom. She turned over her shoulder and smiled, so glad that she got Spencer back. Spencer smiled back. Ashley thought it looked a little sad but she didn't want to dwell on it. She closed the door and went about her business.

The door closed and Spencer panicked. The calm she had felt when Ashley was near had disappeared and all her cruel realities came flying at her all at once. She had just cheated on her girlfriend, she had gotten another woman's, her ex's, first initial tattooed on her, and she had skipped school. She blinked long and hard and sighed loudly. Her mother would have her head on a silver platter, only the best for Paula, for skipping class, no excuses accepted.

"Uhhhhh!" She groaned in frustration. She wished she could live someone else's life. A fictional television or movie character's life. Someone that was only real for an hour or two and then faded away into the backdrop. She wished she could have a scripted life, instead of this reality TV. life. She wanted to know the end of the novel before starting the book. She wanted something easy.

Spencer wanted to escape her life, her shitty life, and climb into a tree house and read children's books and watch unbelievably bad teenager movies. She wanted to fall into a coma and wake up when all the drama surrounding her had moved away. She wanted to run away, again, but never look back. She loves what's left of her family, she loves Ashley and Carmen but she just can't deal with it. She wants to run away and start a new life, change her name too. She'll work in a crappy diner and meet creepy characters. She'll live in a small cockroach infested apartment and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for breakfast and dinner, for lunch she'd eat a greasy burger at the diner. She wants to be anywhere but here. The door opened, tearing Spencer away from her fantasies (life has to suck pretty badly to fantasize about that), she looked up at Ashley and smiled.

"Hey you." Ashley smiled back and ran and jumped on the bed, taking Spencer, who was in the sitting position, down with her. They both laughed for a minute or two, just being two teenage girls.

"Hey, back." Spencer greeted. She looked at Ashley and wished she could choose her. But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't.

Ashley leaned in to kiss Spencer and was mildly surprised when the girl pulled back. Ashley sighed, she knew it was too good to be true. She just hopes the only thing Spencer can ramble on about is her crazy concept of being treated too well. Ashley could deflect that, and will.

"What is it?" Her voice was so sad and Spencer looked down. She doesn't want to hurt Ashley.

"I still have a girlfriend." It wasn't by any means a choice, it was just something to put off the inevitable.

"She hurts you." Ashley couldn't understand why Spencer put up with that shit. She couldn't understand why Spencer would choose that over herself.

"You hurt me." Ashley blinked rapidly for thirty seconds, trying really hard to understand that comment, trying even harder to not break down in tears.

"No." It was all she could croak out. She started crying because the idea of hurting Spencer killed her inside.

"Don't cry, Ash." Spencer made a move to comfort the crying girl but Ashley just pulled back putting her palm out to make Spencer stop.

"That's not really what I meant. It's just, Carmen, she might…"

"Might! Might! Are you fucking… Might?" Ashley sniffled outraged and pointed to the bruises.

"Fine, whatever! But you hurt me inside. How can I protect myself from that? I hurt enough as it is, I can't just… let you in only so you can, so you can, make things feel, I don't know." Spencer started crying too. She wanted nothing more than to leave. It took her a second to realize she could, no one was keeping her here. She got up and searched frantically for her clothes. She started dressing once she found the missing garments.

"What are you doing?" The voice startled Spencer and she jumped up. She wasn't expecting Ashley to say anything, everything had already been said, or was that just in her mind?

"I'm leaving." Spencer answered as she buttoned her pants up.

"No. Why are you choosing her over me?" The question was painful for Ashley to ask and based on the silence that met her it must be a painful question to answer.

Spencer sat down on the edge of the bed. She looked at her shirt in her hands and tried to think up a response. She hadn't expected that question because she hadn't realized she'd chosen Carmen, who just last night had resolved herself to break up with..

"I…uh. I didn't think I was." Ashley sighed.

"What the hell kind of answer is that? Spencer, seriously, slap yourself silly or something. You. Aren't. Thinking. Right!" The brunette tried to stop herself from talking, she wasn't thinking right either.

"Jesus Ashley! I'm fucked up, okay. I don't know anything anymore. And what I do know, it scares me okay? I'm sorry. I just… I'm sorry." Spencer sighed and put her shirt on. Ashley was silent, processing what the blonde had said.

"You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Right now, I don't care what I am to you. It's just, right now, I'm not right. For you. I mean look at me. I'm not stable, I want someone to beat the crap out of me, I liked how much the tattoo hurt, I fantasize about living in a dump. I can't… let you save me, because I don't want to be saved. And even if I did, you shouldn't be…saving me." She spilled her heart out to more silence before walking out to the living room to find her shoes.

Ashley sat there trying to absorb everything Spencer had said. She wanted to fight and run away. Her fight or flight response was completely paralyzed. She watched her love leave the room and knew she had to think fast. She finally stood up and marched, determined, to the living space. She stomped over to Spencer and grabbed her wrist, roughly, and yanked on it making the girl turn around and face her and then Ashley kissed her.

"Enough!" She growled into Spencer's ear as her tongue drew circles right underneath it.

"No more word games, no more nothing!" Her hands trailed upward from the blonde's wrist to her hips and upwards to her breasts. She grabbed at them, loving the feeling and knew Spencer felt the same way.

Spencer leaned forward to kiss Ashley but the brunette stopped all action and pulled away. A foot now stood between them. Spencer looked into brown eyes, searching for an answer but finding nothing but an emotionless stone wall.

"You want? Then say so." Ashley barked.

"I want." Spencer answered without a thought. Her voice was traced with lust which wasn't good enough for Ashley. She wanted Spencer to want all of her, not her body.

"You want to be bad, don't you?" Ashley's voice was raspy and husky. If only Ashley was more into it, with a video camera too. Spencer nodded rapidly, loving this game.

"That fucking sucks. I don't want you." She dropped the sexy voice and shot teary daggers at Spencer, hoping she'd get the point but knowing she wouldn't.

"What? Why?" A blonde question from a blonde's mouth. It was so poetic.

"Get the hell out of my house!" It wasn't a house, semantics. She knew she made her point known as fearful Spencer came out to play and scampered away to the door. The door closed quietly, because Spencer knew not slamming it would irk Ashley more.

"I'm so sorry Spence." She collapsed on her spot on the floor, crying once again, trying so hard to convince herself that she did the right thing, letting Spencer go. No relationship between the two of them would last. She needed Spencer, her Spencer, to come back, and before she's lost forever.

Ashley pulled herself together, wiped the tears from her eyes and hopped into the shower. She had to save Spencer, without Spencer knowing. She had to talk to Mr. And Mrs. Carlin before it was too late.

A/N: Hopefully i didn't lose you in the middle there, i am aware it got a little boring. Sorry, i hope i made up for it in the end. I have no idea what chapter 3 will be like, but i'm thinking of a carmen/spencer interaction, maybe a carmen/ashley fight, some more in depth character analysis. Oh and yes, i do know i am evil with splitting them up when everything was going strong, i did that for two reasons, them being together right now would make for a dead end story. Second, the more reviews i get the sooner there will be spashley bliss. Thanks for reading, i loved all the reviews i got. Tell me what you think, what you want to happen, etc. i love feedback.


	3. Chaos

Disclaimer: Don't own it!

A/N: Enjoy! There is a lot going on this chapter.

Chapter 3 Chaos

It was finally Friday, Spencer thought as she watched the seconds tick by in her third period Brit Lit class. She just wanted to go home and crawl into her bed and never wake up. She had felt the same way on Wednesday, the anniversary of Clay becoming a Carlin, and Thursday was no better. She hadn't even gone to school on Thursday having instead slept over at Ashley's and then after being kicked out managed to find her way to the pier and thought seriously about jumping. In the end, of course, she didn't. She had too much to live for, even if it didn't feel like that at the time. So, she didn't jump. Instead she walked home and sat at her computer screen writing a mindless assignment for her English class.

"Miss Carlin? Would you like to read your poem aloud?" Mrs. Mckinney, in Spencer's opinion, was a bitch. Her shrill voice brought her out of her reverie. It was welcome though. Sometimes Spencer thinks she thinks too much and should be broken of that habit, like a dog that just keeps pissing on the floor.

"No." She didn't even know she said it until she said it. The teacher looked taken aback and Spencer, though ashamed of herself, stood her ground. Nobody wanted to hear her poem, that was a fact.

"Well I don't care, please stand up and read your poem in front of the class." Mrs. Mckinney presented it like she didn't have an option so Spencer grabbed the piece of paper and stalked up to the class. Her eyes laid on Madison and Aiden and she tried hard not to spit in his general vicinity.

"It doesn't have a title yet." She explained to the teacher and the class. The teacher rolled her eyes and Spencer looked down at the typed words and sighed.

"I can't hear anymore

So whatever you say has no meaning.

It's all sound, Noise!

It's the BANG!

It's the slamming of the doors,

It's the volume of voices rising.

It's the silence of you leaving me.

It's the anger.

It's the loss.

It's the choice you should have made.

It's the smile that left your face, my face, every face.

I can't hear you anymore

You're yelling, you're screaming

It's just white noise,

Static to my ears.

I can't hear you anymore.

You're professing your undying love (for who?)

And people _are_ dying.

Every word spoken means nothing

It's just words

It's just you trying to please me

To tell me what I want to hear.

But I don't want to hear it from you.

I can't hear anymore.

You-

You-

You love who?

Because every word out of your mouth is you professing your love for somebody else.

I can't hear anymore.

I'm fucked up.

It was your silence, it was the bang, it was the sirens, the flat lining of life, the sound of crying.

It was my inability to cope.

And now I can't hear…

…myself cry every night, praying to an entity I don't know exists, to take me instead."

Spencer looked at the emotionless faces of her peers, her once friend now enemy, her once enemy now friend and the teacher who never seemed to care that people died. She wanted to sit down and bury herself in her book. She wanted to jump off the roof of this building, if only she wasn't too chicken shit to do so.

"Well, wow. The imagery about Prom was…" Whatever Mrs. Mckinney was going to say was cut off by Spencer snapping.

"It's not about Prom night. God! We all talk about Prom as if it was this horrible thing. It wasn't prom that was bad, it was afterwards… If I wanted to write about Prom I would have. I would have talked about love and happiness and giddiness and whatever. I would have compared it to rainbows and puppy dogs and acing a test you didn't study for. Prom was the absolute high. It was in those seconds, those moments, those hours, days and months after prom that sucked. It was on that quad that our high came crashing down. It was on the quad that our happiness was ripped from us because some people don't know how to control their anger. And you know what, they're cowards." She paused and watched how everyone desperately wanted to hide.

"We're bigger cowards." She looked at the aging English teacher accusingly.

"We sit here, right now, like nothing ever happened. That we're just living our lives merrily." She stopped and tried to control her anger. Instead she looked at Aiden.

"Aiden!" She accused and he looked at her concerned, this only seemed to piss her off more.

"You were shot through the heart and lived and you think it's some kind of blessing that you lived. Maybe it was a curse." His eyes looked sad, she paid no attention to that.

"You got shot through the heart and lived I wonder if that's because you were loved through it. You know the love of my girlfriend, the one you stole from me! Yeah you can go to hell. You might have lived but you'll forever be dead to me." Aiden looked down at his desk, half thinking he deserved it, half thinking she was out of line, but mostly wanting to help her.

"Miss Carlin that's…" Again the teacher was too slow to take action. Spencer should have been sent to the office, any other teacher would have done so awhile ago, and by force if need be.

"It's just like we don't care that four people died. Life goes on, right? Why is everybody so fixated on that phrase? Why are we all too cowardly to actually let ourselves feel. I was there that night, you guys were there. And we all stood there on the quad, some of us running, some of us falling, some of us playing hero, and some of us dying. We are all cowards, running, protecting ourselves, _dying_. Even the heroes are cowards, hoping to die in the process and not have to deal with the consequences. We're all still running!" She breathed in and out quickly.

"My brother died that night, I'm fucked up beyond belief. I am such a coward. Because I can't deal with it, and because no matter how much I want to I am too cowardly to take my own life." Spencer didn't know what else to say, and by the looks of it no one else did either. She threw her poem to the floor as roughly as one could throw a piece of paper.

"Yeah I know, office!" She directed to Mrs. Mckinney. She marched out the door to the hollow hallways, the eerie stillness, the stale quiet made her think of ghosts. She didn't know if she believed in the afterlife, more so the existence of ghosts. But she imagined if the four lives lost that night were walking ghosts, pacing the halls of King High forever that they too would have been stunned, incapable of speaking, if a ghost could speak, because of her little freak out session a moment ago. She imagined the sad look of her brother and him shaking his head at her immaturity. But then she compared that to the goofy looking smile he had on his dead face.

Spencer walked quickly to the office trying hard not to cry. She slumped into one of the waiting chairs outside the principals office. The receptionist looked at her quizzically, having not been informed of her arrival before hand. The phone rang and the receptionist picked up. Spencer inferred from several 'uhhuhs' and 'yeps' that Mrs. Mckinney had finally called. A few minutes later and Spencer was told that Principal Ed would see her now. She walked up and entered the office. It was a typical administrators office, not that Spencer actually had much experience being inside one.

"Welcome back. Please take a seat." Well at least not until this school year.

"You know we have been incredibly lax with you disturbing class, but Miss Carlin, this needs to stop." She looked at him but made no gestures that she heard him.

"Can you call my dad?" She just wanted to skip the impending lecture. The feel free to talk to the school councilor or go to detention talk that led to the I'm suspending you for the rest of the school day sentence.

Ed, as he didn't like to make the students feel less important, sighed. Spencer Carlin was usually such a good student. He never had a problem until early this year and he, like most of the faculty, had been lenient because her brother had been killed on Prom night. But months have past and Spencer was not getting over it. She refused to go talk to the councilor, and no matter how many times he informed the Carlin's that Spencer needed to talk to someone, nothing seemed to happen. Ed picked up the phone and called Arthur Carlin but no one picked up. He hung up and dialed the hospital hoping to get in touch with Dr. Carlin. Well, not hoping. Dr. Carlin rubbed him the wrong way and he couldn't explain why.

"I'd like to speak with Dr. Carlin, this is concerning her daughter, Spencer." He watched as Spencer sighed and her shoulders slumped. He hoped she didn't start crying like she had the week before last. She had been inconsolable and had locked herself in his office when he went to get a new box of tissues, screaming that she wanted to be alone. He had to call the janitor to unlock his door. By that time she must have cried herself into exhaustion because she was sleeping, curled up in the fetal position on the floor. He had called the Carlin's, not being able to get a hold of either of the parents and finally settled on letting her brother, Glen, come and pick her up. It was against all the rules to let a minor go without being escorted by a parent, but there was no way he was going to let her sleep in his office. Ed wondered if the Carlin's had any idea of what was going on, with all the unreturned voicemails and messages. He was starting to think that the Carlin's were bad parents or there was some clever trickery going on, i.e. someone deleting the messages before the intended recipient could hear them.

"This is Dr. Carlin. Is everything okay with Spencer?" The woman sounded tired and Ed felt terrible about that, after all her son had died on his watch.

"This is Principal Ed Monray, I have Spencer in my office. She was talking out in class again," he stressed the again, hoping that Dr. Carlin might understand the gravity of the situation.

"She's being suspended, again, and I need a parent to come pick her up." He heard the woman sigh and saw the girl cringe.

"I am terribly sorry. We're, uh, we're trying." She paused and Ed could swear she was about to cry. Spencer, he noticed, was already crying but was trying really hard to conceal it in the sleeve of her sweater.

"I'll be there as soon as possible, traffic and all." Ed got the sense that Dr. Carlin was confused. Hopefully she'd get Spencer the help she deserves. Ed finished up with Dr. Carlin and silently handed a box of tissues to Spencer. She took one but only held it between her fingers, rolling it up into a ball and then smoothing it out. Ed wished he was a therapist and could pinpoint the symbolism with that action, but instead he was stuck simply watching her try not to cry and then hide, embarrassed, when she failed.

Dr. Carlin had had a long day by the time nine o'clock showed up. She had started her shift at 5am, with an emergency appendectomy, followed by two GSWs. She yawned as she walked out of the operating room. It was time to tell the family the news. Luckily the young girl would survive, although her quality of life would be seriously changed. She'd need surgery after surgery if she even wanted the tiniest sliver of a chance to walk again, the bullet having lodged itself in her spine. But Paula knew, based off her experience, the girl would be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her life, even if they could repair the nerve damage.

Paula was heading to the break room after explaining the good news to the family, because being alive was the best news they could ever receive. Paula really needed a coffee.

"Dr. Carlin your husband is here. And you have a visitor. They're both in the break room." Nurse Judy informed Paula. Paula sighed, not really wanting to deal with her spouse, but the mystery guest intrigued her. She walked into the room and was more than a little disappointed when she came face to face with Ashley Davies, her daughter's ex girlfriend.

"What are you doing here?" She snapped, although she really didn't want to.

"I'm worried about Spencer." It was a simple answer. Paula looked at her husband, realizing that he was here to accommodate Ashley and herself.

"Yes." Paula was confused, Spencer was okay, right? She was just having trouble dealing with her brothers death, right? She looked over at Arthur again, to gauge his reaction, he seemed mildly surprised. She turned to Ashley hoping the young girl wouldn't leave them in suspense.

"She's not herself." Ashley offered up, finding that the most important talk she'd ever have was harder than she originally thought. They probably knew this anyway.

"Ashley she went through a traumatizing time and lost her brother, she's dealing with it the best way she can." Ah, Arthur the voice of reason.

"That's the problem, Mr. C. She's not dealing with it. She doesn't sleep at night, she cries all the time, she's with someone who hurts her because she hurts her, and she just doesn't know how to live anymore." Okay so maybe Ashley was making up some shit, or more to the point exaggerated it. She couldn't exactly tell Spencer's parents that Spencer wanted to use her for sex then go back to her abusive girlfriend.

Paula looked at Ashley a little surprised by her words. She knew Spencer couldn't sleep and cried a lot, but she didn't know about the inner workings of her daughters relationship with Carmen, not that she wanted to anyway. Paula wasn't sure if Ashley just wanted Spencer back and was making up shit, or if Ashley just cared about the well being of her daughter.

"I love her and I just want her to be alright." She also got a tattoo, which is pretty un-Spencer like. Ashley was starting to realize she didn't have a whole lot of proof to back up her thesis, at least none that she could betray to the Catholic parents of her ex.

"We know you do." Arthur spoke, confused about the Carmen comment, but thinking maybe Ashley just wanted an in to Spencer again. After all Spencer wasn't the type to get into an abusive relationship, let alone stay in one.

"I told you Arthur, I didn't like that Carmen girl. And what did you do, you told me to trust our daughter. That nobody knew our daughter better than Spencer herself and that we should trust that she trusts the right people." Ashley was amused that Paula was on her side while the usually understanding Arthur was not.

"And we don't know if it's the truth. We should talk to Spencer about it. Not rely on Ashley's information."

"Mr. C. I'm not lying. This isn't some attempt to get Spencer back, believe me I could of had her last night." She received glares on that comment but pushed forward with her point.

"You might not want to hear this, but the only reason I knew about Carmen hitting Spencer was because when Spencer took off her shirt I saw all the bruises. She didn't want to fess up to them okay, and it took a whole hell of a lot of will power on my part to resist her avoidance tactics, okay? And then she only told me, in her typical it's not a big deal Spencer kind of way, to get back to what we were doing before hand. I couldn't really get her to talk about it, you know? But I asked her why she wanted to be with Carmen, who hits her, and not me who practically lays roses in front of her every time she walks, and all she could say was that she didn't deserve the treatment I gave her, implying that she thinks she deserves to be hit around." It was silent after she was done talking. Arthur sighed and fell, literally fell, onto the couch. Paula looked mildly disgusted and concerned. She poured herself some more coffee and sat down at the table.

"I love your daughter. And I want to help her, but I can't. There is nothing I can do to make it better except make you guys see what I see. She doesn't want help, she thinks she's dealing fine. And I get that I'm part of the problem. It's not just Clay's death, it's not just the shooting, and it's not just me being selfish and abandoning her. It's all of them put together and probably a whole lot of other little ones or big ones. It's just bottom line, if she doesn't get help… I… I…um…I don't want it…uh…to get to that." Ashley was crying and trying so hard to hold it in, she hated herself for not being there when Spencer needed her, because truthfully it could be too late already.

"Dr. Carlin you have a phone call, It's concerning your daughter." Judy stuck her head in, surveying the scene and thinking maybe she shouldn't have interrupted.

"I'll take it in here."

"It's on line three." Judy left not wanting to get swept up in the drama that was Dr. Carlin right now, but at the same time wanting nothing more than a tub of popcorn and a place on the outside looking in.

"This is Dr. Carlin. Is everything okay with Spencer?" Paula asked, concerned that maybe Ashley was right. She listened to what the Principal had to say and was quite disturbed, she didn't know Spencer was causing problems at school. She shot a look at Arthur, one which he didn't interpret.

"I am terribly sorry. We're, uh, we're trying." Spencer was being suspended, Spencer needed help? Did everybody but her notice something was wrong with her daughter? She hung up the phone and looked at Ashley, she offered the girl a small smile, thanking her for bringing this to her attention no matter how crudely she did so. Ashley nodded back and then to the phone, wanting to know if everything was alright with Spencer.

"She's being suspended. Again, apparently." Arthur sighed and ran his fingers through his thinning hair. He had picked Spencer up a couple of times after school and during the ride home she would inform him she had been suspended for the day. He didn't tell Paula because he didn't want to make such a big deal out of it, he thought Spencer would realize her mistakes and learn from them. Apparently that was not the case.

"Arthur, how come I haven't been informed about all the other times she'd been suspended this year? I am her mother, aren't I? Don't I deserve to know what is going on in her life?"

"Paula calm down! Spencer is going through a rough time. Her world was turned upside down, it takes time to put all the pieces back together."

"Arthur! She is our daughter not some jigsaw puzzle!" Paula screamed at him. He stood up and walked over to her.

"This is Spencer, Paula. You have to trust that Spencer will work through this, on her own. Any guidance we have to offer she'll just ignore."

"Mr. Carlin, that's a bunch of bullshit. Spencer needs help, like serious fork over the cash professional help. She is not the Spencer you want her to be. She is not the Spencer who takes a wrong turn and then turns back around. This Spencer turns down all the wrong alleys and keeps going, not because it's some shortcut or anything, but because she's too afraid to turn around and deal with all of this as herself. You might be a professional social worker and all, but you have blinders on concerning your daughter. If you don't suck up your bull shit and pride she'll probably lose herself so completely that when she's ready to turn around and be Spencer again, you know the one you think she is right now, she won't find her and she'll probably…kill herself." Ashley chocked on the last two words and hurried out of the break room, she went straight to the washroom and collapsed in one of the stalls crying hysterically at the thought of losing Spencer. A few days she had cried for the same reason, but the severity had now changed dramatically. A Spencerless world was not one Ashley was willing to live in.

Paula huffed at Arthur, completely agreeing with her once arch nemesis and took off to pick Spencer up from school. She wasn't sure what approach to take after she arrived at the school. Should she yell at Spencer and punish her for bad behavior or should she be understanding and try to coerce Spencer into talking?

Paula arrived at the school, still confused on what to do. She loved her daughter, her little girl that used to wake up every morning in the winter at least an hour earlier so she could play in the snow and then when she inevitably got sick would say "it was totally worth it" with a smile and a sneeze. Paula wished for those days everyday since they stopped, when Spencer had gotten a boyfriend and stayed up all night talking on the phone and was too tired to get up and play or had a date she didn't want to be too sick for. When Spencer came out, in such a horrible way, Paula reacted, like any other mother walking in on her daughter about to have sex, the fact that it was with a woman was a minor detail. In fact Paula, though completely outraged, had to say her daughter had good taste, just judging on what she saw of Ashley. But when Spencer came out, Paula didn't wish for Spencer to just be going through a phase, she wished that she had noticed sooner. It was just too hard to believe her daughter, the same one who was so excited when she first got asked out by a shy, kind of quirky boy. They were twelve and it was the hip thing to have a boy's hand to hold at lunch time during school. Nathaniel was such an odd boy, but Spencer really liked him. They were always just friends in the end. Paula knew that was what it was the moment Spencer came running into the clinic screaming that she had a boyfriend. Arthur, later when he found out, was not so all knowing in that department. When Spencer was fifteen and had developed into a fine young woman she had so many dates she couldn't find a steady boyfriend. It was worrisome how her daughter had a different boy hanging on her every word every week. Finally James came along. He was everything every Catholic parent feared for their daughter. He was into drugs and alcohol and deviant behavior. Paula refuses, still, to believe Spencer had lost her virginity to him. But Spencer was still Spencer in the end. She never changed, despite all the bad influences Spencer never partook in any of them. It only took two weeks of Spencer knowing Ashley to come home drunk and belligerent. It took less than that for Spencer to start talking back. In Paula's mind, Ashley made Spencer change. In Arthur's mind, Spencer had always been gay, born that way and Ashley was just the catalyst of the inevitable change. After all the fighting and reading, Paula was still on the line. She just wished she had seen it coming, maybe to stop it before it happened, maybe to ease herself into the idea of having a gay daughter. In the end though, she had lost her daughter, something she was so afraid of. And now, Ashley is telling her she hasn't lost Spencer yet, but she will and soon.

"Hi, I'm here to pick up my daughter, Spencer Carlin." She told the bored receptionist. The woman looked at her with a scowl on her face and Paula didn't have to wonder what the woman was thinking of her. She was a bad mother. Any other day and Paula would wipe that look off the woman's face, but today she actually felt like a bad mother.

"Just a second." The woman got on the phone and was speaking to the principal in a low tone, she wished she knew what they were saying. She was trying to get a look in the office, to see Spencer and make sure she was okay. All she could see was blonde hair in a black hoodie slouched in an 'I-defy-authority' position. But at the same time her daughter looked small and vulnerable. It wasn't something Paula enjoyed seeing. Spencer was many things, but not vulnerable. She might be innocent, but innocent is a long ways away from vulnerable. Innocent says just try to corrupt me but vulnerable cries come corrupt me, I have no defense. Paula couldn't take it anymore, she ignored the judgmental woman and walked into the office, she scooped Spencer into her arms, who went willingly, and kissed her on the head. It was a little strange to show affection after finding out her daughter was suspended but that wasn't important anymore. What was important was that Ashley was right and Spencer needs help.

"I want to go home." Spencer sounded miserable and it broke Paula's heart. She hugged the girl a little tighter, hoping that she could offer a sense of security, or whatever it is that Spencer needed.

Paula's eyes met Principal Monray's eyes. He wanted to talk. Could he not see how broken Spencer is right now? But alas, Paula was a mother and she knew she had to smooth things out, besides he might know what is going on.

"Honey, why don't you go wait in the car while I finish up in here?" She felt her daughter nod her head up and down before separating herself from her mother's embrace. So with slumped shoulders Spencer slinked out the door with her head down, her blonde locks falling in front of her face concealing any fallen tears.

Spencer sat in the passenger seat of the car knowing exactly what Ed wanted to talk about with her mom. She was dreading the inevitable lecture and tried to mentally prepare herself for the onslaught of angry, disappointed words. Because if words could be angry and disappointed they were coming out of her mother's mouth. And just like that, all of a sudden, Spencer lost her battle with her emotions and completely broke down. She was hysterical, gasping for air that kept getting lost on it's route to her lungs. She sniffled every few seconds, trying to get air in but mostly trying to keep her snot from dripping down her face. She had to keep some of her dignity.

It seemed like forever had passed into eternity by the time the driver's side door was opened and her mother got in. Spencer was too afraid to look up and too afraid to speak. She tried to take slow, long, and deep breaths so as to not alert her mother of her emotional state of mind. It was a game. A game she and Glen played at home all the time. There was a bit of a wager, a reality check for the first wimp to crack. The perk was Prozac. Glen lost every night, but Spencer would never break the bonds of sibling love just to win a bet.

The car started without a word from her mother and Spencer was worried she'd be dropped off at some kind of orphanage for children unable to cope with life. She hated being a disappointment. She had had so many expectations and pressures to be a perfect popular cheerleader and then president of her sorority and graduating first in her class from Med school. She hated that feeling too, but at least she felt like she had some control over the situation. Nowadays she felt like someone had tugged the rug from right underneath her feet and she had no choice but to fall on her ass. The realization hit Spencer like a bullet killing her brother and she succumbed once again to hysteria.

Paula looked over at her daughter, beating herself up for being such a clueless parent, negligent of her daughter's pain, obvious pain. Because right now, looking at her only daughter she can't help but think a blind man could the see the pain etched on Spencer's delicate features. Paula didn't even try to justify herself to the high school principal, she just sat there and listened while he read off the crimes and misdemeanors her daughter committed in the two months she'd been back at school. She listened intently to the underlying judgmental words. It was hard to miss them, they were screaming 'you're a bad mother, you're a bad mother', the same horrible mantra that repeats in her mind every night since her son died.

She started the car, trying her best to ignore the crying child, this wasn't the place or the time to have a heart to heart. Paula hated the sound of her daughter nearly hyperventilating, the doctor in her told her to pull over and fix the situation, the mother in her kept wanted to find those damn blinders Arthur had on and wear them herself, because now that she knew something was wrong she could no longer pretend everything was right.

"Spencer." It sounded weird to hear her voice, Paula thought. She needed to say something, even if it was only 'put your seatbelt on dear.' Listening to the soundtrack of Spencer crying on repeat was going to haunt her for a very long time and she selfishly wanted her daughter to shut the hell up.

"Spencer." She tried again to get the attention of her daughter, this time she noticed a slight head raise.

"Honey, I'm not mad." If only Spencer was crying because she was afraid her mother would be mad. No, Spencer lost track of why she was crying this time, as she eventually does every time. She didn't say anything and no relief came.

"I love you. We all love you." Those words sent Spencer over the edge again, the metaphorical edge that Spencer has no problem jumping off, not the literal one Spencer wished she had the guts to swan dive off of. She pulled at her hair and bit her nails. She tried to suck in some air but none was coming her way. She felt like she was suffocating, consequently she was.

Paula noticed the situation had escalated and pulled the car over. She was out the car and opening the passenger side door in no time flat. She pulled the heaving, shaking, and slightly bluing blonde out of the car and onto her lap. It felt good to hug her daughter, but Dr. Carlin yelled at her and she got down to business. Thankfully the task required her to be a mother. She coddled her daughter and rubbed soft circles on her back. She shushed her daughter with a gentle lullaby.

"Hush-a-bye don't you cry, go to sleep-y, little baby. When you wake you shall have all the pretty little horses. Blacks and bays, dapple grays, coach and six white horses.  
Hush-a-bye don't you cry, go to sleep-y, little baby." Soon the sniffling stopped, Dr. Carlin quickly checked to see if she was breathing and to her relief she was. Spencer's body would still shake and spasm and tears were still falling but her breathing was under control. Paula repeated the song and the gestures until she knew Spencer was asleep and then she just sat there, on the gravel outside her car on a busy Los Angeles road with her seventeen year old daughter asleep on her lap. It was a strange scene but Paula let out a sigh. She'd wait just a little longer before exerting all her strength and energy into getting Spencer back into the car, because there was no way she was going to wake the girl up.

Eventually Paula got Spencer strapped safely into the car before she wiped away her own tears and started the car. She called into work, telling them she couldn't come back in, citing family emergency as the reason. She called Arthur and told him to meet her at home. He sighed but acquiesced since Spencer was involved. Paula put the car into drive and signaled before entering the street and finishing the drive home. Her eyes scanned the road obsessively like a sixteen year old learning to drive. At the end of each scan she would look at her daughter to make sure she was still sleeping and breathing. By the time she pulled into her driveway her body was screaming at her for rest. She shook Spencer by the shoulders trying to wake her up, she couldn't lift the girl up again, and Arthur wasn't home yet.

Spencer groaned and batted the hand away. Paula shook her again and again. Spencer swiped the hand and mumbled something incoherently.

"Spencer, baby girl, it's time to get up."

"I tire…" Spencer yawned and curled her body into the closest thing resembling a ball considering the restraint the seatbelt gave. Paula stared at her daughter and bit her lip. She couldn't believe she was this blind. Of course Spencer was tired, she hasn't been sleeping at all and spending her waking moments crying or, apparently as Paula just found out, angry.

"Sweetie, if you get up I'll make you an ice cream sundae with hot fudge and sprinkles." It was tactless to resort to bribery but Spencer wasn't the only one tired, wasn't the only one in the car who was angry and she certainly did not hold the monopoly on crying all the time.

"No cherry?" Paula was ecstatic. She couldn't believe her bribe tactic worked. It never worked, not even when Spencer was a messy sundae eating kid. Spencer had always preferred sleep to sweets.

"Of course you can have a cherry. But up-pee first." Paula winced. She was never into baby talk, even when her children were babies.

Spencer yawned and unbuckled her seat belt. She opened the door and paused. She rubbed her eyes and yawned again. She sniffled, closed her eyes, and got to her feet. Paula rushed over and helped Spencer into the house and up the stairs. Spencer laid down on her bed, found her teddy bear and cuddled before falling asleep again.

When Spencer woke up it was late afternoon, a few hours until she was supposed to meet Carmen at Chelsea's studio. She went to the bathroom and tried to make herself look presentable and innocent. She really didn't want Carmen to find out about what almost went on at Ashley's. Just because Spencer felt like she deserved to be treated like crap doesn't mean she likes getting hurt. Abuse is not acceptable and Spencer knows that. It just was easier than self mutilation. She didn't like it, it hurt pretty badly, but at least she could feel. She didn't like being numb. Was it so wrong that she wanted to feel all the good emotions with Ashley via sex, and all the bad ones through Carmen and her anger? Yes. Spencer knew she had to apologize to Ashley. She also knew she needed to break up Carmen. It was just so much easier to keep going, like the energizer bunny, unable to stop and unable to chose a direction.

Spencer threw on a skirt and a cute top. It was just Carmen, no need to look her best. Besides, she just might find the courage to break up with the girl. Spencer glanced at the mirror on her way out. She looked about the same. Her eyes were bluer than normal because of all the crying. She'd lost maybe five pounds or so, but nothing too drastic. Overall, Spencer would have to say she looked pretty normal, pretty much the same. It was a nice sight so she smiled.

The house was quiet, Spencer noticed as she crept down the stairs. She was expecting some sort of lecture for her behavior at school but was relieved when one didn't come. Despite the obvious quiet in the house Spencer still felt the urge to sneak out, so she was quiet when closing the front door.

"Hey! Where you going?" She jumped at the loudness of the voice. It was just Glen though, coming home from work.

"Out with Carmen, we have a date." Spencer took quick notice of three cars in the driveway/garage. Everyone was home.

"Can I take your car?"

"Sure." He handed her the keys.

"I thought you were with Ashley now?" He asked, concerned.

"Uh, no. Well, it's complicated. I mean how can I be with Ashley when she just left me after Clay," she chocked back some tears, "and then she gets together with that Neanderthal, like our relationship meant nothing to her, she just, she just confirmed all of my suspicions about her and Aiden. How can I trust her again?"

"Aiden's not that bad." Glen tried to defend his friend.

"Don't defend him! God! He stole the only thing that keeps me breathing. I hate him. I wish he died instead Clay." Spencer fumed and stomped off to Glen's car. She slammed the car door and sped out of the driveway almost taking out the trash cans and the mailbox.

Glen shook his head and hoped that Spencer would calm down, she wasn't the best driver under the best circumstances (an empty parking lot). The front door opened and Glen looked at his parents, they had expressions he couldn't read.

"Shit, Spence!" He muttered under his breath. He didn't feel like having to defend his sister after she unleashed her temper on him.

"Glen where is Spencer?" Glen shook his head, annoyed that his night would now involve fielding questions.

"How should I know? She just asked for the keys and left."

"Come inside, we need to talk to you." His dad said in his classic social worker voice.

Glen followed his parents inside the house. He wondered which room this 'talking' would take place. It actually determined the whole thing. The kitchen table meant business, the living room meant something emotional. His parents stopped in the hallway. The hallway meant someone was getting grounded. Glen didn't understand.

"Did I do something wrong? Did Spencer?" Of course he knew Spencer had done something wrong, he just didn't know what.

"No son. Why don't we take a seat?" Arthur motioned for Glen to take the lead. Glen went and sat on the couch, it was more comfortable, and frankly he'd seen this coming. It was about time his parents started to act like parents.

His parents sandwiched him on the couch and gave him a bone crushing hug. His mom was slightly crying too. Glen looked around for an exit.

"First off, where is Spencer? She shouldn't have gone off like that."

"I don't know. What am I, her keeper?" He joked. As long as things were focused on his sister he could handle it, he had a horrible feeling it was going to turn on him.

"Glen." His mom warned him.

"Look I don't know where she is. What I do know is that she's on a date."

"With Carmen?"

"With Ashley?" His parents asked at the same time.

"Carmen. I got the feeling that she's done with Ashley. Of course the other night it was the opposite. Ha, who knows what's going on with her?"

"I don't suppose calling her and telling her to come home is going to work, huh?" His dad asked after pulling out his cell phone.

"No. I kind of pissed her off before…"

"Well, lucky us then. You don't get to double team us. No more secrets." Paula laughed cynically.

"Bottom line, we're getting you and Spencer some professional help." Arthur shot a look at Paula.

"What? Why?" Glen stood up, outraged. Arthur pulled him back down to the couch and put a hand on his shoulder.

"When's the last time you had a good night's sleep? Now's not the time to be macho. Glen you're hurting and you're conflicted and I'm sorry I was too stubborn to notice before." Glen gave his father a pleading look.

"You're brother died, Glen. Over three months ago, you shouldn't still be grieving, at least not to this extent."

"I thought this was about Spencer. Can we talk about her?"

"We're talking about you." His mother butted in.

"Nobody wants to admit their weaknesses. Nobody wants to ask for help. Don't hit rock bottom!" His mother continued and Glen felt like a first grader who still wet the bed.

"Stop okay! I'm fine, it's Spencer you should be worrying about. She's out of control. She's flunking school, she been suspended, Spencer! She's with someone she doesn't love because she's afraid the person she does love will hurt her again. She's the one still being a sissy over Clay. Worry about her! Worry about her! Please…" Glen wiped away some tears before they could fall.

"We do worry about her, we're getting her help too. But we're not talking about Spencer right now, we're talking about you." His father said with his voice rising a little from all the emotions. After that it was silent. Paula hugged her son again. Glen wiped away more tears and Arthur sat there and looked down at his hands wondering how he let things get so out of control.

"So what happens now?" Glen broke the silence.

"Now? Now I make dinner. Feel like helping?" Arthur stood up and offered his hand out to his son.

"That's not what I meant."

"I know." Arthur looked down again and sighed. "You'll start seeing a psychiatrist, try to talk your feelings out. They'll probably prescribe you some sleeping pills and possibly anti-depressants. And if needed we'll go to family counseling. But that's basically it."

"Sounds pretty simple." Arthur half smiled and nodded his head. It did sound simple, in reality it was anything but. "Who wants my famous Spaghetti?" Glen smiled and followed his dad into the kitchen to help. Paula just sat on the couch thanking God that that went relatively smoothly.

"Hey pass me the salt." Glen handed the shaker over to his father and watched as the man salted the water in the pot.

"Will it be the same for Spencer?" Arthur smiled at the fact that Glen was so concerned about his sister, even though he didn't understand it.

"Mostly, yeah. We think she'll be placed on suicide watch." Glen was taken aback at how nonchalant his father was with that little piece of information.

"What? You think Spencer's going to kill herself?"

"I don't really know. You're mom thinks Spencer is. We got word that Carmen abuses her, and that Spencer thinks she deserves it."

"She has mood swings too." Arthur nodded, he had noticed that. He also started to wake up and realize that Spencer was mostly putting on an act.

"Carmen hits Spencer?" Glen asked, alarmed.

"Maybe, our informer is a little biased."

"But Spencer is out with Carmen now."

"Yeah, I'm worried about that too. But there isn't much we can do about it now. Hand me the pasta, please." Glen rolled his eyes and frowned. He couldn't understand why his father was so relaxed about all this. Glen didn't know how panicked and concerned Arthur really was. Glen didn't know that cooking was Arthur's release. Instead Glen handed the box of noodles to his dad and left the kitchen, he found his mother still sitting on the couch watching the door and the ticking of the clock. Finally someone who was concerned. He sat down next to his mom and hugged her. He wanted to offer up some comforting words, he wanted to ease her panic but he could do no such thing.

Spencer walked into the studio expecting to see either her girlfriend or Chelsea. She really wanted to chat with the young woman carrying her brother's baby. She knew Chelsea had dreams and plans for herself, and frankly Spencer understood. She wouldn't want to be seventeen and pregnant staring down all her dreams with the realization that they'd never come true. But at the same time Spencer wanted her niece or nephew to stay with the family, to grow up as a Carlin.

"Hey Girl! I'll be out of your way soon."

"No no, no hurry. This is your studio Chels, I should be getting out of your way." Spencer replied to her friend with a smile. It was all fake and it killed her to lie to such a wonderful and supportive friend, but Chelsea didn't need Spencer's crap dumped into her life.

"I heard you were suspended today. Apparently it's not the first time it's happened. What's going on with you girl?" Chelsea just jumped right into it. She knew Spencer enough to know she would skirt away from a subtle confrontation.

"Where'd you hear you that?" Spencer asked not betraying her apprehension and fear. Maybe denial would work.

"From… from… does it matter?"

"Yeah, I want to know who's talking about me behind my back."

"From Aiden." Chelsea really hoped Carmen would show up before the inevitable explosion.

"I don't blame you for being mad at him. He had no right to take Ashley from you." She paused. Spencer wasn't showing any emotion and it scared her.

"But, have you ever considered placing some of the blame on her?"

"Have you ever thought about suicide?" Spencer asked out of the blue, as if she was having a whole other conversation than the one Chelsea was having.

"Wha? Uh? Spencer have you?"

"I'm asking you. I mean you had your whole life planned out, art school in Paris, and then you met Clay and got pregnant, and now you can't go. You have to regret that." Spencer stopped talking and looked at a painting, it was abstract but it reminded Spencer of a broken heart. Chelsea stayed deathly quiet, hoping the girl would reveal more about herself.

"Did my brother's death break your heart or missing out on your dreams break it?" Spencer looked at Chelsea with such a broken look that Chelsea finally understood, Spencer was broken. She didn't know what to do, she tried to think back to what all those stupid after school movies said about this but then she remembered Spencer was actually waiting for an answer.

"I…"

"Hey there's my pretty girl." Chelsea couldn't be more relieved that Carmen had finally arrived.

Carmen walked up to Spencer and hugged her tightly before gently kissing her cheek. Neither she nor Spencer were much for public displays of affection. Chelsea nodded a hello to the latina and started to pack up her stuff, wanting to get the hell away from the awkward situation Spencer forced her into.

"I'll just leave you two to your date. Have fun, don't do anything I wouldn't do. On second thought, do whatever, just don't tell me about it." She smiled and turned for the door.

"Haha, thanks Chelsea. We owe you one. Have a good night." Carmen said her goodbyes to the expecting mother.

"Answer the question Chelsea." Chelsea's body literally stiffened at the sound of Spencer's quiet broken voice.

"I don't know how to answer that." She hoped that would suffice.

"It's an either or question. Those aren't hard."

"But it's not Spencer!" She raised her voice and was surprised when Spencer looked unfazed. She expected a reaction, any reaction. Indifference frightened her more than anything.

"What broke your heart Chelsea?"

"My heart was already broken by the time Clay died." She spat out, hating that her hand was forced, hating her answer, and hating how Spencer still didn't have a reaction.

"What broke your heart Spencer?" She hissed out. Spencer turned away, her eyes watering. Chelsea hated herself for feeling so satisfied at the pain she clearly caused her friend, she wanted to apologize and hug the trembling girl but instead she turned on her heel and stomped out of her studio, slamming the door as she exited.

"What was all that about?" Carmen asked her girlfriend, fearing the implication of Chelsea's statement.

"Nothing." Spencer wiped away a few tears that had escaped and faked a smile. She didn't want Carmen to get angry. She wanted Carmen to be pissed.

"Answer me!" The latina demanded, her nostrils flaring up as a warning. Spencer pressed further by shaking her head and ignoring the order.

"Answer me, Spencer." Her voice was calm but her face was red and pissed.

"It's none of your damn business." Each word the blonde spoke was slow and accentuated to clearly make her point across. Carmen lost it. Her fists came down on Spencer like a hail storm.

And with each strike Spencer was reminded that she could feel…

A/N: Hey i need some help with this. I have the next chapter sort of planned out, but i need some direction on where to go. Please give me your ideas. And please review.


	4. Windows

Disclaimer: I do not own S.O.N. It's safe to say if i did it would be much darker and wouldn't have a series finale, years after the last episode.

Chapter 4 Window

The first thing Spencer noticed when she woke up was that she woke up. She must have fallen asleep or passed out from the pain or something to cause her to wake up. The second thing she noticed was that she was alone in Chelsea's dark studio. After that she registered the pain and a sated feeling. She looked down to investigate. Her panties had been pulled down to her ankles. Spencer had never felt so used and disgusted before. She wiped away the tears before they fell. She asked for this, she rationalized. She deserved this. It wasn't Carmen's fault, it was hers. Spencer wiped away a few more tears and bit her lip in total breakdown. She didn't know where to go from here.

A few hours earlier Carmen looked down at her sleeping girlfriend. If she was honest with herself she would admit that Spencer wasn't sleeping but had instead passed out from a hit to the head. But Carmen wasn't honest with herself instead she lived day to day by lying. In any case she looked down at Spencer and thought she looked so fucking beautiful. She just couldn't resist a touch or two, besides it wasn't like Spencer would know. Carmen knelt down on the floor and hovered over the blonde. She ran her hand up Spencer's silky smooth leg. She gently pulled down the undergarment that stood in her way. She placed a kiss on every single bruise that marred the girl's face. Carmen was tender and loving. She whispered simple but beautiful words into Spencer's ear. For the first time Carmen let herself love someone, no fears, no inhibitions holding her back. She looked at the closed eyelids of her girlfriend. Carmen was free to be herself. She felt Spencer's body react and moved down to kiss away any evidence.

As Carmen was cleaning up she came across a gauze pad on the girl's inner thigh. Curious, she tore off the medical tape and lifted the bandage. She closed her eyes and prayed that Spencer wasn't cutting herself. Nothing should mar that girl's skin. Carmen quickly backed away. She looked at Spencer's face and saw the forming bruises. She pulled up the blonde's shirt and saw nothing but black and blue and an ugly green. She looked at her own hands, her fingers were sticky and her knuckles were scabbed. She marred that beautiful porcelain skin. She was a monster.

Carmen grabbed her things and fled the studio as fast as she could. She made it about a block before she puked all over herself and the sidewalk.

"What have I done?" She asked into the still L.A. air of the night. She wiped away some tears and sniffed. She leaned over and retched again. She wiped at her mouth with her hand, and then feeling disgusted wiped her hand on her jeans. She pulled out her cell phone and sent Spencer a quick text. _I can't do this. We're over! _Carmen fell to her knees and cried. She couldn't believe she had hurt Spencer like her own father hurts her. She hated herself like she hated him.

"Oh god, help me." She cried out to no one.

Ashley sat in front of the television completely entranced in some stupid reality show. She reached into her bowl and grabbed a handful of popcorn. She brought her hand up to her mouth and greedily ate away at the snack. The door opened but she didn't move her head, the drama between one slut and another had just started.

"Turn that shit off." Kyla said as she walked past her sister to the kitchen.

"I ordered Chinese, enough to feed me and a small army. You want some?" Ashley ignored her half sister's request.

"Do I have to pay?" Ashley had pulled this trick on her before and Kyla couldn't be sure if Ashley was trying to so again.

"No doofus. I got this one covered."

"Well in that case, yeah, I'm starved." Kyla sat down next to Ashley and helped herself to some popcorn. Ashley swatted her hand away a few times before finally relenting.

"How can you watch this?" Ashley shrugged.

"Nothing else is on."

"So how was your day?" Ashley asked as soon as the show went to commercial.

"Um, okay. Is Spencer coming over?" Kyla really wanted to see the cute freckle faced red head and have some quality flirting time.

"Probably not. I talked to her parents today, so they could help and stuff. I'm really frightened she's going to do something stupid. It's like all of a sudden she just spun out of control. And I can't help but feel that it's my fault."

"Ashley-"

"No Ky, it doesn't matter if it was or wasn't. I blame myself and I think Spencer does too."

"Ash, it does matter. This wasn't your fault. Spencer just…" Kyla stopped, not feeling adequate in this conversation. She didn't have the information that Ashley did. All she knew was that something went down that night and then the next morning Ashley was crying again.

"I meant your masseuse. Is he coming over?" Ashley looked at her sister and gave a half smile.

"Nope. I cancelled. My Spencer might kill herself and you're worried about when you can flirt with some awkward red headed masseuse. Geese, we all know where your priorities lie." Although her words were serious she spoke them in jest. It had been an emotional day; she didn't want to cry anymore.

"Oh my god." Kyla couldn't believe this. She had just seen Spencer. And although the blonde had acted a little differently Kyla never got the impression that she was suicidal.

"I didn't know. I mean, I didn't think-"

"Well we all know you don't think, so nothing new." Ashley interrupted. She turned her attention back to the TV.

"Now, shush my show's back on."

Kyla completely bewildered and insulted turned to watch the crap that was reality television. She sighed and watched as one bimbo tackled the other to the ground. As much as she wanted to turn away she couldn't, she was completely enraptured in the train wreck. Maybe that was why, after a day like today, watching mindless TV was all Ashley could do to keep herself from falling into the same hole Spencer was down. Everybody knew that Ashley wouldn't live without Spencer.

Every fifteen minutes Paula would look at the clock on the wall. Every thirty seconds she would look at her watch and wonder where the hell her daughter was and if she was hurt and in danger. Every ten minutes Arthur would look at the clock on the microwave. Every minute he would look at his watch and wonder if his little girl was safe and on her way home. Glen looked at the clock on his cell phone constantly, praying that Spencer was going to call soon. He needed to talk to her. He needed her to tell him that she wasn't being abused.

"Come on Spence. Where are you?" He whispered out his window into the cold December night. His phone rang and he jumped about a foot in the air. He looked at the caller identification in hope but sighed in disappointment.

"Hi Chelsea." He answered with a sense of haste. He didn't want to block the phone lines in case Spencer called.

"I've been crying all night trying to figure out what I did to make Spencer so mean." Chelsea jumped straight to the point. Glen wanted to feel sorry for her, he wanted to be mad at his sister but he was just a big brother worrying about the safety of his little sister at that moment.

"I'm sorry Chels. I don't know what's up with her." He lied. She was depressed, apparently so was he.

"It's just she was so cold."

"You saw her. Where is she?" He asked urgently.

"What's going on, Glen?" She asked a little worried now.

"She left and we can't find her." It was the truth without actually being the truth.

"I last saw her at my studio." Chelsea was confused but answered anyway. She hoped Spencer was okay, but that didn't mean she was going to forgive the girl.

"Thanks, I'll talk to you later." Glen hung up the phone. He checked to make sure he didn't miss any call waiting notifications. He slipped his flip flops on and grabbed his jacket. He ran down the stairs and looked at his parents. His mother was still sitting on the couch looking obsessively at her watch. His dad was in the kitchen doing the same thing. He found it odd that during a time of panic and worry his parents hadn't pulled together to comfort each other. He hoped he wasn't as emotionally detached as them.

Glen walked into the kitchen to ask his dad for the keys. He understood that they didn't want him to leave so he had to have a good excuse. He wasn't going to betray Spencer.

"Chelsea called; she needs someone to be there for her. She's crying and everything. She said nobody else was answering their phone. I owe it to Clay to check on his girl." It sounded fake and rehearsed and a little manipulative. His dad couldn't say no, now.

"Just bring Spencer home in one piece." Arthur said as he handed over the keys. He wondered how Glen and Spencer could pull together in a way that he and Paula couldn't.

Glen didn't even dignify that with a response he just took the keys and bolted. He started the engine, put his seat belt on and sighed. When did things go so wrong? He shook his head. He had asked himself that everyday since the shooting. Maybe his parents were right. Maybe he did need help. Glen shook his head again. He was just happy that someone besides him noticed the pain Spencer was in. He wondered who, because his parents, in his opinion still had their heads in the sand. It was like they were reacting because society told them they should.

Glen pulled up to Chelsea's studio. The lights were off and Glen really hoped he didn't walk in anything. In general he didn't mind girl on girl action, hell he had downloaded enough of it, but when it was his sister it was gross. As far as he was concerned Spencer was asexual. He entered the code to the studio, and closed his eyes tightly when he entered. He didn't hear anything, which was good and bad. Good because while his eyes were not virgin he still didn't need to see his sister naked. Bad because then he didn't where she was, bad because she could be dead. He really didn't want to see that either. In fact he'd rather see Spencer getting her freak on.

"Spencer?" He called into the room. He opened his eyes and didn't see anything. He started to reach for the light switch to get a better look.

"Glen?" She sounded confused and like she had been crying. He looked around the room again but still couldn't see her. He put his hand on the wall and searched for the light.

"Leave them off." Her voice was urgent and caused Glen to stop what he was doing.

"I can't see you." He called out into the darkness. Maybe he was imagining Spencer's voice.

"No no. Your eyes'll adjust." She told him in a small voice. Glen couldn't help but acquiesce.

"Spence? Did Carmen hurt you?" He asked in an equally small voice. She nodded and though he couldn't see it her silence was answer enough.

"I think I need help." The statement hung in the air like an outlaw whose crimes caught up to him.

Glen took a step forward and found his little sister. She was cowering in the corner. His blue eyes met hers. The intensity of the stare stabbed at their souls. Glen looked down, effectively closing the blinds on the windows.

"Me too, little sis. Me too." Spencer nodded and Glen was struck with the fact that Spencer knew of his pain despite all of hers.

"I've messed up so much, Glen." It was quiet. Glen took another step forward. He heard the loud wispy breaths of Spencer and was reminded that she was alive no matter how dead she felt.

"How can I go back?" She was struggling not to cry again. Glen wanted to answer her question but had no words to offer. He was just as lost as her.

"I've ruined my life." She had. She had burned so many bridges. She was going to flunk out of school. She had bruises inside and out that wouldn't heal. She didn't know who she was.

"I doubt that." Glen disagreed. It might feel that she had, but he knew otherwise.

"I've lost it all, Glen. And I don't care."

"You haven't lost me." He paused, thinking about what she said. "You do care. If you didn't you wouldn't be here, crying." He hoped she didn't get any ideas.

"I gained you." She sniffed and laughed at the same time. Glen took another step forward. He held back his snort and his reaction to her concealed insult.

"Let's go home, okay?" He tried after some silence.

"I can't go home. I bailed on a conversation with Mom." Her voice started to sound more normal. Her words were more akin to the Spencer pre- Prom. He knew she was hiding. He knew she was faking it. Preparing herself for an onslaught of worries and accusations. She was acting as though she was fine. It pissed Glen off. He was bombarded completely unaware and unsuspecting to a conversation he didn't want to have. He recognized that maybe he needed it, a wake up a call. Spencer needed help, so much more than him. She needed the intervention. If Glen could only be right once in his lifetime it would be that.

"Spencer don't do this. Don't act." He paused trying to gather his thoughts. "You said you needed help. Now's not the time to pretend everything's alright."

"I. I. I just… I don't how to be."

"Just don't try to put on an act. Be how you want to be. You want to be sad, be sad. You want to be angry, go for it. Just be real." Spencer nodded, considering his words.

"I can't go home though. I don't… I don't look very good."

"You're so vain." He shook his head with a laugh.

"Glen seriously." He rolled his eyes.

"Mom and Dad are really worried. I don't think they care if your mascara runs." He joked.

"No, no no. Glen, my face, it's kind of bruised." Glen took a couple steps back and switched on the light. Both of them hissed at the sudden brightness. Glen took a look at Spencer and hissed again. He was going to kick Carmen's ass. Nobody hurt his sister and got away with it. He thought he already proved that with her boyfriend, that virginity stealing jerk off.

"Does it hurt?"

"Yeah Glen, it hurts."

"Want to get some ice cream?" She nodded her head and held out her hand so Glen could help her up. He did so and pulled her into a hug. She grunted and Glen grinded his teeth together in anger.

Paula was almost asleep by the time the front door opened. She looked over at Glen and Spencer, who was cowering behind her brother obviously trying to hide. Arthur looked over from the kitchen and upon seeing his children went to greet them. Paula pulled Spencer into a crushing hug, taking notice of her bruises and busted lip. Arthur hugged Glen and asked for his keys back.

"Spencer…" Arthur started but stopped at seeing her face. His eyes teared up and turned away to regain his composure. When he turned back Spencer engulfed him in a hug. He smiled sadly at Paula who was on her way to the first aid kit. Business was first apparently.

Many hugs and many tears later, Spencer lay in bed trying to sleep. It had been hours since Glen dragged her out of Chelsea's studio. It had been hours of listening to the worry in her parents' voices. She had wanted to argue with them on everything but every time she opened her mouth Glen would look at her with pleading eyes. She gave up and just listened. Then she excused herself to take a much needed shower. She felt so dirty and so used. She scrubbed hard at her body wincing when she touched a bruise or created another one. She broke down and cried again, not really understanding why.

Spencer rubbed at her eyes when the tears stopped flowing. She ran out of tears, she guessed. She stared up at the ceiling and wondered about tomorrow, when everything would change. She had a doctor's appointment. Her mother had already informed her that that was when she would be prescribed medication, specifically anti depressants and sleeping aids. While Spencer thoroughly enjoyed _Prozac Nation_, the movie, she wasn't so inclined to start taking the pill.

"Ugh." She groaned to the empty room. She really didn't want to become another depressed teenager and add to the statistic. She also wanted nothing more than a good nights sleep. She didn't want to have medicated sleep. She just wanted to close her eyes and drift off to a dreamland where nobody had dreams, just "Z's." And then she was angry again. Furious even. But she didn't know at who. She picked up her cell phone and dialed the familiar number of her ex. She listened to it ring and ring and with every second Ashley didn't answer the more angry she got.

"Spence? Do you know what time it is?" Spencer almost melted at the sleepy tone of the girl she still loved. Almost.

"Oh did I wake you? Poor baby." Spencer spat. Unknowingly she made the girl flinch at her tone.

"Uh…"

"You know this is all your fault." She paused and waited for the protestations. Nothing came, and being a little confused, Spencer continued.

"If you hadn't abandoned me, I wouldn't be so fucking broken. I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" She could hear Ashley crying but paid no attention to it. It was about time Ashley actually felt something.

"I needed you. I needed my girlfriend. I needed my best friend. I needed you to hold me through all those nights I cried myself to sleep. I needed you to reassure me that you loved me. Instead you sat on his bedside praying for him to be okay. Instead you fled to Europe. Instead you fucked him. Instead you proved to me that all our relationship was, was physical. You proved to me that you never fucking loved me and I gave you everything I was capable of giving. You broke me. … I hate you." Spencer's voice had become a little whiney and Ashley could tell she was crying.

"I love you." It was all Ashley could think of. She had to say something and it was all she knew to be true.

"I'm sorry, but I do love you. I'm just not a very good person."

"You're right. You're not. You're so… I just, I just, just hate you. I blame you. You broke me, Ashley. I don't…" Spencer hung up the phone, unable to speak anymore. She did hate Ashley. She hated her more than she had ever hated someone in her entire life. Of course, in this particular instance, hate was a synonym for love.

Spencer laid on her bed sniffling in silence. She hated that she hated Ashley. She hated that she made Ashley cry. She hated that she couldn't sleep. She hated that the only time she could sleep was when she was wrapped up in Ashley's arms. She hated that she was resisting the urge to call back Ashley and tell her to come over and hold her so she could get a good night of sleep. She hated the very fact that she wanted to call Ashley in the first place.

Spencer sighed and turned over on her side. Maybe the change of position would help her fall asleep. She stared out the window and into the dark sky of night. She stared at the tree in her neighbor's yard reminiscing at how during windy nights the tree branch would scrap up against her window and cause her to jump up in fright from a dead sleep. She remembered how she'd call Ashley, who always seemed to be up, and tell her about the boogeyman trying to sneak into her room and eat her all up. Ashley would laugh and after they had gotten together and been intimate Ashley would add "well maybe it's me trying to sneak into your bedroom to eat you all up. Mmmm, Spencer you taste so good."

"So gross." Spencer found herself saying out loud, caught in a memory.

"I wish things were still the same. I wish Clay never died, I wish Aiden never selfishly stole my girlfriend; I wish Ashley never left me for Europe and Aiden. I wish I never met Carmen, I wish I never changed." Spencer told the window. It didn't speak back, it didn't break, and it didn't change. Windows, Spencer realized, never changed. They broke and were shattered, replaced or upgraded but ultimately they were the same. They had a few simple functions and that never changed. They let light into a room, they provide heat, let fresh air into the room, and cool down a room. Windows were a contradiction.

Spencer sighed. She knew people compared windows to the soul, and a person's eyes as those windows. She could understand why. A person could either let someone in or keep them out. The simplicity struck a chord with Spencer. Maybe it was time to open her windows.

She took out her phone and dialed the all familiar number. She hoped she wasn't too late.

"Yeah." The voice was shaky and rough. Spencer felt bad but relieved at the same time.

"I'm not going to apologize. I meant what I said. Maybe there will be a time when I won't anymore, but that time isn't now and I'm not going to apologize for the sake of the future."

"Um, okay?"

"I just was doing some thinking, about windows."

"Windows?"

"Yeah, I know crazy, huh? Anyway I'm tired of keeping people out. I want you to be my light."

"Well, that is very romantic and a little strange seeing as how a few moments ago you blamed me for everything bad in your life and basically told me to go fuck myself. And now you what? Want me to save you?" Ashley wasn't being harsh in her tone or her words, she was just skeptical and Spencer knew she would be.

"I uh, yeah."

"If I agree to be your light or whatever, will you promise me something?"

"Sure, uh, maybe."

"Will you get help and not fight it? Will you take everything in stride? Will you talk to me, tell me everything, except, you know how I suck, cause I don't really need to hear that? Will you just be the Spencer I fell in love with, or at least work on getting her back?" Ashley paused trying to think of more conditions. She knew this was a major breaking point for Spencer and had to proceed cautiously. She wasn't thrilled with being the sole caretaker of Spencer's well being, but it was a start and Ashley wanted to prove that she capable of helping.

"Will you come over tonight so I can fall asleep?" Spencer asked sheepishly. Ashley smiled and shook her head in amusement; she could just imagine the adorable pout on Spencer's face.

"Do you promise me?"

"Only if you come over."

"I'm only coming over if you promise me."

"I promise Ash."Ashley's heart swelled at the use of her nickname.

"I'm on my, and this is for sleep, okay. No taking advantage of me, I'm pretty fragile right now."

"Yeah. No making me feel guilty. I already told you I'm not going to apologize."

"I didn't ask you to Spence. I'll be there in fifteen, okay?" Ashley didn't hear anything but the rustling of sheets so she assumed that Spencer was nodding her head. She hung up the phone, slipped on her slippers, and grabbed her keys.

Spencer met Ashley at the front door, seventeen minutes later, because they didn't want to wake anyone up. Ashley, unable to resist, pulled Spencer into a hug and gently caressed her bruises. Spencer struggled at first then remembered her promise and relaxed into the touch. After all, it was Ashley and Ashley would never hurt her. Physically, anyway.

Spencer grabbed Ashley's hand and let her to her room. She sat down on her bed watching nervously as Ashley shed her slippers and placed her keys on the desk.

Ashley smiled as she looked on at Spencer and her nervousness, remembering the first time they were intimate together and how cute looked all unsure and unknowing.

"Relax, Spence. It's just sleep. I'm not going to maul you or anything." Spencer lied down on her bed and scooted over to the left side. Ashley took her place on the right and draped her arm over the blonde's midsection. Spencer turned on her side away from Ashley and the brunette took her cue to spoon the blonde. Both of them were asleep in minutes.

The window was opened, cracked only slightly. The symbolism was lost on the brunette.

A/N Sorry for the insane wait on this chapter. I wanted to make sure it was perfect. Let me know if the wait was worth it.


	5. You have won Ashley

As always I do not own South of Nowhere. I own only the words, all 1,983 of them.

A/N: Sorry for the really long delay. This story is really depressing right now. I'm trying to work it into something a little more uplifting but that takes time and ideas. I always imagined this story to fill in the pieces that show left out. I thought that realistically Spencer and Glen as well Mr. and Mrs. C would suffer more from Clay's death. After all losing a child and/or a sibling is not a light matter. And frankly I think the show portrayed Spencer a little weakly when it came to Ashley and Aiden. I can almost see her forgiving Ashley because she loves her, but Aiden? Really? I think that if someone pulled that stunt on me I would be furious. Obviously. So i hope this long awaited chapter is to your liking. I hope you understand why it took so long and probably will still take so long in between updates. Enjoy!

Chapter 5:You've Won Ashley!

It was a beautiful day in Ashley's mind. There wasn't a cloud in the sky just a gentle cooling breeze. Ashley looked around, startled by the large turnout. In the distance she could see camera crews and news reporters. Ashley shook her head cynically and looked down at the bright healthy grass. Of course they'd be here today; it was such a newsworthy event. A funeral.

It was a beautiful day for a funeral. It was a beautiful hand crafted mahogany casket. The bagpipes were beautifully played. The mourners all wore beautiful black garments. The priest was even beautiful as he sent the soul towards heaven. Ashley imagined the memorial would be equally as beautiful.

Ashley let her eyes wander over the guests; some were genuinely crying while others were putting on a face. The family members were stoic, simply staring off into space. Their eyes were as dead as the body in the casket. Ashley looked over at Aiden, he was sobbing silently. Madison was draped all over him, hysterically crying. Ashley thought they were over exaggerating and just trying to steal the show. Chelsea was hiding her face in the memorial packet of prayers. Smart girl. Sean was simply looking down, fascinated with his shoe laces. Kyla, such the actress, was holding in her tears and trying miserably to be strong. Ashley wanted to so badly to take Kyla's place; to take her rightful place, her throne next to her queen.

Instead, Ashley examined Spencer from a distance. She looked unemotional, cold, and dead behind the eyes. She looked miserable holding her brother's hand, and having Kyla hug her from behind. Spencer looked like she wanted to be anywhere but where she was. She turned around in her seat and met Kyla's teary eyes. Some words were exchanged that Ashley wasn't privy to from her spot twenty yards back behind the big oak tree. Kyla shook her head and looked down. Spencer shook her head furiously and looked around at the crowd. Ashley could swear she saw hope in those otherwise dead eyes. And then it occurred to Ashley that Spencer was looking for her. Needed something from her, reassurance maybe, maybe love? Just as Ashley was about to step out from behind her hiding spot and make eye contact with Spencer, to give her whatever she needed, Spencer turned around. Her shoulder's slumped just a little more than before. Kyla leaned forward even more and hugged her tighter. Glen turned to look at her and after a pause, he too hugged her.

When the service ended, Ashley talked herself into going over to Spencer and giving her a hug and a big sloppy kiss. But when she did the whole cemetery was vacant and the vehicles were driving off. Ashley sighed. She told herself she could just go to the memorial service, stop off at the bakery and buy something, or maybe some Starbucks coffee. She picked up her purse and started to walk towards her car but instead ended up standing in front of the tombstone.

"Lovely, ain't it?" A gravedigger said to her. Ashley shook her head sadly, words failing her.

_Here lies the relationship of Spencer Carlin and Ashley Davies. It barely had time to bloom. 1/07-5/07._

Ashley woke up cold and confused. She looked around and ascertained her bearings. She was lying in bed cuddling up with her love. She sat up a little bit and tried to rub the confusion and sleep out of her eyes. The dream had seemed so real. Mostly, because it had been real.

Ashley's mother had taken the news of the prom shooting like most distant parents. The reality that her daughter might have been killed by a drive by shooter or lying on the cold pavement bleeding out of every imaginable orifice shocked her system much like a defibrillator shocking her heart. She had waves of regret, guilt, and love. In the end, despite her shortcomings at motherhood, she just wanted her daughter to be safe. So she dragged Ashley off to Europe. She hadn't actually planned on any bonding or even a conversation. She just wanted Ashley away from that godforsaken high school and the filthy violence that surrounded it.

Ashley hadn't fought her mother on it. Frankly, everything was so confusing. One minute Aiden and she were dancing as friends, the next he's in love with her and Spencer told him to back off. Aiden was her family, her best friend. They shared everything together. They shared happiness and immense loss together. They even shared a crush on Spencer. But then Spencer told him to back off. Was it because she was jealous of Aiden or because she saw the signs Ashley herself was incapable of seeing? Before Ashley could even answer her question Spencer was screaming at her choose between the past and the present. Was there even a choice? She hadn't had time to think about it before Aiden was pushing her to the ground. When she opened her eyes Aiden was bleeding and unconscious. In those few seconds she had seen him as the love of her life. On the plane ride over to Europe she regretted those few seconds.

At the hospital she had to seek out Spencer. When had she lost Spencer? But Spencer was cold and angry. And through the thick fog of confusion she couldn't understand why. And then Clay was dead and the Carlin's were huddled around his body. The moment was too real. Sweet, understanding, and perfect Clay was gone. Arthur hugged Paula while Glen and Spencer stood several feet away crying in agony. Maybe it wasn't a good time to tell Spencer she'd made a choice.

So when Ashley's mother told her to pack her bags she did so without hesitation. A week later, though, she was back on the plane, only this time in reverse. She needed to go to Clay's funeral, if for no other reason than him being a good friend. He had made an impact on her life. Although that was nothing compared to the impact his death had made.

Eventually, though, Ashley went back to Europe. Her presence went unnoticed at the funeral. She never did go to the memorial. Why? Honestly, she was too afraid. Her feelings were still a little jumbled up and she knew it was imperative that she not make the wrong decision. And she certainly didn't want to be turned down. Maybe it was a little immature of her. Or a lot immature of her. She was just so confused.

The door to Spencer's room peeked open and Ashley glanced over at the intruder but they were gone before her eyes could adjust. She rubbed her eyes again before she rolled out of the bed. Spencer was sound asleep and from past experiences Ashley knew she would stay that way for at least a few more hours. So after a quick trip to the bathroom Ashley detoured and walked down the stairs towards the smell of brewing coffee and hushed conversation.

"Uh hi." Her voice was still scratchy and full of sleep but the nervousness was still audible.

"Ashley, hi. How are you?" Mr. C was always kind and Ashley welcomed it.

"I'm alright, I guess. How are you guys?" She extended the question to the Carlin that always intimidated her.

"Tired."

"Exhausted." Mrs. Carlin answered with a small smile as she took a sip of her coffee.

"I'm sorry to just… um, be here. Spencer called me and gave me a ration of shit, so, uh, here I am."

"We really appreciate you helping out Ashley. If it weren't for you we'd probably still be in the dark. But don't let her drag you down with her. She's facing a lot right now. And she's angry. If you let her, she will pull you down."

"Thanks Mr. C. But I think I can handle it. It's not like I don't deserve some of it."

"That may be true Ashley…" Mrs. Carlin started to say before Arthur cut her off.

"No it's exactly that kind of thinking that'll do you in. She's already got her claws on you. You should not let Spencer convince you to take blame for anything. What happened was a tragedy and you did what you had to do to come out of it alive and virtually unchanged."

"But shouldn't it have changed me? Shouldn't I feel something? Who walks into a tragedy and leaves the exact same person? I mean, there is something wrong with me, right?" Oh, those pesky little insecurities that almost cost her her friendship with Spencer and any chance of a relationship.

"No, no. Ashley that's not what I meant. Of course you have changed. You've taken this tragedy and have grown from it, risen above it. I meant that for most people a tragedy will alter the path they were on. Instead of moving forward through it they detour around it and most never make it back. Spencer detoured. Glen detoured. Paula and I, we've detoured. You, you faced it head on and won." There was a pause in the conversation as the three of them considered what he had said. It was hard to believe that perhaps she had won. When faced with so much loss and pain it becomes difficult to see any positive. Maybe he was right.

"I… That's really nice of you to say. I'm not sure I believe you. I think detoured too. I became too focused on my relationship drama to really notice anything. And then I ran away, to Europe. I mean I can still watched shoot 'em up movies, I have no nightmares, I don't jump when I hear loud noises. It's like this whole terrible thing happened around me. I listen to people talk about it, I watch people that I love suffer because of it but to me it's all like… fiction. Like it didn't happen to me, like I wasn't there. It's just a story people tell and dwell on and suffer from and I can't connect to it. But I should. I know I should. I was there. I saw Aiden get shot. I rode in the ambulance with him. His blood is all over my dress. I was at the hospital. I saw you guys with Clay after he… you know. I was there… I just… don't feel like I was." Ashley took a deep breath and buried her head in her hands. It felt good to tell someone about that.

"How can you say I won?" She looked up at them with deep brown eyes. She was asking for more than an answer.

"Because your brother isn't dead." All eyes shot up and landed on the speaker of those harsh words. Spencer stood at the top of the stairs with her arms crossed tightly across her chest. Her blue eyes were swimming with fire. And the silence that surrounded her answer gave her a smug look. Ashley understood what Arthur was telling her, now. Spencer was going to drag her to hell if Ashley lets her.

"Spencer!" The Carlin's yelled at her.

"That's not fair Spencer." It was time to stand up for herself. She couldn't show any weakness. Spencer was a hungry predator.

"Nothing about this is fair. You've ruined my life. Do you understand?"

"Spencer! Upstairs! Now!" Mr. Carlin ordered. He marched over to the staircase to make sure she listened.

"I'm sorry about all this Ashley. It's probably best if you leave now." Mrs. Carlin wasn't trying to be curt. It's just what else could she do. As long as Spencer was going to act like the Loch Ness Monster, Ashley would not be safe here.


End file.
